Tag: moving forward

A Sign

Published on by RooLeave a comment

This morning I woke up late, and wrote my morning post later than I usually do. After having a mild freak out and giving myself the third degree, I came to terms with what happened and started to think. I’m the boss and I make the rules. I then started to think about everything I want to do with Rooplixoo.

I want to start making videos and getting personal with the small but beautiful audience I have. I want to bring all of you into my life and on my adventures. I started this blog as motivation to get my life together, and now I use it as a space for my mind to run wild.

I almost gave up on this today, but I took my mistake and I’m turning it into something great. I’m going to keep on this path, creating whatever I come up with.

Words

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Words can be very powerful. They can lift someone up, or tear them down. They convey information and can tell stories. We use words everyday in conversations and writing. I recently had the realization that my words have made an impact. This is probably something I should have realized way sooner, and I did, but I never realized to what extent.

In the past few months, I have destroyed and created by just using my words, mostly through feelings. I wasn’t brutal in my destruction, just honest and direct. Through using my words, I was able to get my thoughts out in the open and then I was able to heal. I no longer felt like I had to hide. I also had words thrown at me, which allowed me to let down my walls and trust again.

When I look back, I realize just how much words can change a situation. I know it’s a simple thing, and I probably think this is groundbreaking news because I’m sick, but I find it truly amazing just how powerful we all are when armed with something so common such as speech.

Train of Thought

Published on by RooLeave a comment

In life, there are surprises, big and small, every single day. These surprises fall into three categories: good, neutral and bad. Every day for me, like many, I get the added twists that come with depression and anxiety. Today was no exception.

I was fine and just relaxing, and then it hit me. I was getting so angry that my body temperature was rising and my skin felt like it was crawling. I had no idea what caused it. I was literally sitting there in a call having a decent time. So I left the call and sat in silence… which was a mistake.

With depression and anxiety, you should rarely be alone with your thoughts, especially when there’s no obvious trigger. I lied on my bed and just thought about everything. My mind was doing back flips, getting a kick out of trying to drag me deeper into my solitude.

One of the only things that helps now is that I’m aware of how my brain works, the next step is figuring out how to successfully combat the thought process and win this agonizing game of chess.

Them

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Everyday, I spend my mornings in calls with people I enjoy. Sometimes it’s one-on-one, and other times it’s like a Party Line. I normally have one of two rolls: listening as everyone else talks, or carrying the conversation with stupid comments and bad jokes.

There’s one person in particular that I always listen to. This person I would give up my life if it meant they would smile for a moment. All I want to do is go on adventures with them, and hold them when they’re sad. Making them laugh is my greatest accomplishment in life, only next to going back to school. The only selfish thing I do to this person is that I plan on keeping them, because I don’t know what I would do without them.

They make me feel safe, and that I will never be alone again. They’re proud of me, and not ashamed to show me off to their friends. They celebrate my accomplishments with me, and comfort me when I’m sad. Most importantly, they make me feel like I’m home.

They are my home.

A New Day

Published on by RooLeave a comment

This day has been pretty good so far, except for the snow piling up outside! I had leftover Chinese food for breakfast, and I’m currently in a call with some pretty cool people. I’m hoping to get some school work done today, but that won’t be until later.

Hopefully, the snow won’t get to the point of knocking out the internet… kind of need that for everything I do. It doesn’t look like the snow is going to let up any time soon, so all I can do is keep working until I can’t.

The Decision

Published on by Roo2 Comments

In my last post, I talked about the ongoing war of emotions I face and the decision I had to make. Well, I made one. Unfortunately, it’s not the happiest of options.

I have decided that everyone who is truly close to me I will care about, but everyone else I will shutdown for. I no longer have the energy to care about or trust people I don’t know or care to know, nor do I want the hassle of their problems.

Eventually, when I’m not a cyclone of feelings, I will start to let new people in, but I am too tired to keep putting energy towards those who won’t put any towards me.

A Very Special Weekend

Published on by RooLeave a comment

This weekend, something very special happened. I got to celebrate a year of friendship with my two best friends in the world. We knew each other for a bit longer than a year, but we didn’t make it Facebook official until a year ago.

Like any other call, we spent it playing games and telling bad jokes. It was a perfect night with perfect people. I am truly happy I have these two in my life, and I hope that never changes.

Happy Monday everyone!

You Don’t Know

Published on by Roo2 Comments

You don’t know this yet, but I love you. From the way that you smile when you get nervous, to the endless dreams we share with each other. It warms my heart to just be in your presence. Your eyes give me hope, and your voice eases me.

You don’t know this yet, but I am head over heels for the future – our future. All the small things we will get to do together, and the countless adventures we will go on. I am so nervous about it, but having you by my side gives me the ability to stand tall.

You don’t know this, but I always have and will fight for you. No battle is too great as long as I have you. No matter what happens, I will do my best to protect you.

You don’t know this yet, but you are me, and I am you.

Reflecting

Published on by RooLeave a comment

I have a bad habit of checking my Facebook memories every day, wanting to see what the Paige of the past was up to. Today, I saw a status I was tagged in 7 years ago. At first, I was happy because I remember the day perfectly, but then I started to feel sad.

I moved a lot throughout my life. I went from New York to New Jersey to North Carolina to California to Nevada to Pennsylvania. With all the moving around, I thought I would get used to change and new faces, but it really doesn’t get easier. I’ve been in PA for about 8 years now and, as much as I hated high school and a majority of the people in my school with a passion, I miss the people I was once close with.

There have been days where I wanted to reach out to them and try to reconnect, but my fear of rejection holds me back from doing so. I would rather leave it in the past and have fond memories of the adventures we went on, and the laughs we shared. Each relationship ran its course, and I still have a special place in my heart for almost every single person I’ve encountered.

In life, all we can do is go forward; holding onto the past and trying to recreate it only ends up hurting. If you’re supposed to reconnect with those from another time, it will happen, just don’t force it.

The Uphill Battle Continues

Published on by Roo1 Comment

I have depression, anxiety and a cocktail of assorted other mental problems. I’ve spoken about my struggles, as well as my progress with them in previous posts. This week has just been a comedy of errors.

I have been going to therapy for probably 2.5 years, and I didn’t take much away from it, but I had someone to talk to, which helped a ton. Through talking to someone who wasn’t directly involved, I gained footing on my life and was able to work through a lot of my issues.

On Monday, I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist because my previous one retired. I wasn’t to thrilled about opening up to someone new, but I was willing to give it a shot. Due to miscommunication about insurance, I had to cancel my appointment only a couple of hours beforehand because he called me and told me he didn’t take my insurance.

Throughout my life, I have been made to feel guilty for things that either weren’t my fault or that I had no control over. Now, I sit here, feeling a combination of guilt and like I was given up on (even though that’s not the case). I can’t help but to feel hurt by this, and it actually pisses me off that I’m upset about this.

Today, I get to spend it playing phone tag with various clinics and offices in an attempt to find a new therapist or psychiatrist. Here’s hoping I will be able to get somewhere on my journey.