Tag: feelings

Old Memories

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Just a little while ago, I went behind my new pile of laundry and retrieved my Bratz binder. Within this binder is a collection I started when I was about 5 years old and still continue to collect to this day. I am speaking of is my Pokemon card collection.

The first time I saw Pokemon cards was when I was in 7-11 and there was a display of them on the counter. My favorite color was (and still is) blue, and since the packaging was blue, I asked my mom to buy me a pack. From that day, I was hooked. I don’t buy the single packs anymore, though, I get the collector’s editions and mega-packs.

When I looked through the pages of cards, I remembered just how much joy they bought me and still do.

Three Words

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I have waited so long to be able to say and hear these three words for a very long time now. These three words represent something so pure and genuine, and it makes my heart flutter and my mind race every time I hear it.

I have had these words said to me by family and friends. Having it said to me warms my soul, but getting to say it is the greatest thing I get to do during the day. There is so much pain and sadness in the world, and these words make it disappear for a moment.

The only thing better than speaking these words, is to show it. Acting on these words and opening yourself up to the ones around you is a feeling that I can’t begin to describe. To be vulnerable around someone and know that your safe is one of the most wonderful things that can happen.

I love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to show, and I will spend the rest of my days making you feel loved. I trust you with my heart, and no matter what happens, you will always have it.

Thank you for letting me love you. More importantly, thank you for loving me.

Back and Forth

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Some days are really good, and then others are like today. I just feel empty and hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. I know I will get out of this funk at some point, but not knowing when drives me crazy.

I know why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I don’t know how to make it better. There’s only a few people out there that truly care, and the rest just use me for something they want or as someone to blame. I really hate people sometimes, and I wish I could just escape from the assholes around me.

I just have to make it to the weekend, and then I can sit down and make a plan for dealing with this until I can get out. Until then, I’m going to take a nap and then get some work done.

Balance

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One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.

Bottled Up

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Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.

An Open Letter

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Sitting here alone, I’m thinking about every single person I’ve come across in life. I’m thinking about all those that hurt me, and those that push me to the point of trying to take my own life. I still carry the pain, and my body and mind will forever be scarred.

I wonder what it would be like if I could disappear for a while — just fall off the face of the Earth for a few days. I wouldn’t, though. I couldn’t do that to the people who truly care about me or the people who want me gone. I love the ones that are close to me, and I would never let those who hate me win.

I have come too far and have done too much to stop fighting. I am lost, yes, but I can’t stop going. At this point, I’m on autopilot and there’s only one person that drive me to keep trying. I know it will get better, it’s just getting to that point that’s a pain in the ass.

 

Giving Up

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Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

Memory Hiccup

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Due to bad memory and a lot of things going on, I forgot about my month-iversary. We technically have two days because of the time difference, so we will be celebrating more tomorrow, too. We had fun today, though. We played games, watched a movie and just enjoyed each other’s company. It’s the simple things that make the best memories.

I know it’s kind of silly to celebrate each month, but time is a very big part of a LDR. Whether the days seem to be dragging on or moving at light speed, time is still moving and every second counts. It’s nice to have these little milestones to show us that we’re still going strong.

Like any relationship, LDRs take just as much work and communication. The only main difference is the lack of being physical, and I don’t mean sexually. Not being able to cuddle or hold their hand can drive you to the point of trying to reach through your screen. One thing that I find helps is talking about all the things we’re going to do when we’re together… which is basically everything we do now, but in person and with kissing!

Happy Month-iversary, sweetheart. Here’s to many more!

The Next Chapter

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I was struggling today, and have been for a while, but something happened that actually gave me the push I needed and now I have my drive back.

I received an email from someone who read my blog, and they told me that I inspired them to start a blog of their own. I started shaking and almost cried. That made me so happy to read. I am over the moon and I hope this beautiful person has a wonderful journey with their blog.

I am no longer doing this for just myself, but for everyone that comes across this place, whether they just stop by or take off their jacket and stay for a while. I’m going to start streaming and making videos, as well as just putting myself out there and having fun.

Life can be really rough sometimes, but the small things make it worth it. I never thought I would get any of the comments I’ve gotten, or that email; I just broke 60 followers and I couldn’t even imagine the day that I would have 10 followers. I want to thank you guys for inspiring me to keep going. I am so grateful for each and every single one of you. I truly feel like I have a voice and I’m heard.

Two Steps Forward?

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I just woke up and I’m exhausted and full of anger. All I do is try to look forward to my future, but getting there is going to take a while. The stress is making me restless and I’m trying to put that energy into moving forward.

At this point, I don’t know if I’m taking giant strides forward or slowly crawling to my destination, but at least I’m going in the right direction.