Mistakes Happen

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Today marks the first day that a morning post is an afternoon post. Due to stress, I haven’t been sleeping very well, and I just woke up a little bit ago. I’m extremely upset about this, and I feel like a fuck up. I’m trying to look at it as “shit happens”, but it’s hard for me to do.

My absolutely wonderful boyfriend, though, is telling me it’ll be okay and I trust him. I’m not going to give up, but maybe I should alter my schedule to one post when the sun is out and one post when the moon is out per day.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was meant to write this post now. If I keep telling myself that, I feel better about it. I love this project, and I’m not going to give up on it; this blog has given me an outlet that I never really had before. I feel like I’m apart of something outside of myself and each day I get excited to write. This blog has given me my creativity back, and I’m not going to lose it again.

No Longer Afraid

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For the longest time, I have felt like I’ve been under a microscope. This stems from people keeping up with my life that I’m no longer in contact with. Because of this, I constantly doubt myself, and fear that every action I take is being watched. I do my best every day, but the feeling of having eyes on me still lingers.

I am fighting it, thought, by continuing to put myself out there. I’m not going to shut down because someone wants to read up on me. I made the decision last night to go full force and to write what I want to write about without censoring myself.

I can’t keep hiding to protect the feelings of those who never protected mine. I’m not standing down anymore. If you want to keep up with Paige, do it. If you want to talk about me, do it. I’m no longer afraid to be myself, and I will continue to stay strong.

Starting Now

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Today’s the day that I write about him… sort of. I still won’t be mentioning his name or anything personal, but I am tired of not writing about this guy. He’s a major part of my life and I think it’s only fair to write a piece about him on this blog. I wouldn’t be where I am emotionally if it weren’t for him and I want to share this. I am currently with him and he doesn’t know I’m writing about him (but he did just ask me if I was writing my post).

Every time I sit down to write about him, all of my thoughts blur together because there’s so much to say. I never know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start of by saying how truly amazing he is. I have never met someone so genuine and pure, and he amazes me everyday. For once in my life, I don’t feel alone and I never thought I would feel that way.

This paragraph was going to be about my feelings for him, but I don’t really know how to put it in words. I feel like I’m in high school again, falling in love for the first time. I get butterflies and forget how to talk, and everything feels light and heavy at the same time. I find myself smiling for no reason at all, and just looking at him makes me feel safe.

I’m struggling to figure out what it is about him; everything feels different this time, and it still shocks me that we’re together. I fall for him every day. I finally found my home.

My Way

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Today was riddled with panic attacks and getting lost in my thoughts. I got to thinking about the problems I face and the people I have crossed paths with. I try to take something good away from all my interactions, but that’s not always the case. I have a habit of attracting people who are far from aligning with me and I don’t realize it until I’m too deep.

Fortunately, I have been able to realize that I’ve gained strength from all of my bad experiences. Not all of my bad experiences are life-shattering, but they all leave their marks. Some of these times in my life fade without a trace except for the memory of them, while others continue to try to find their way back into my life. Due to my anxiety, I have gained paranoia and constantly feel like I’m under a microscope.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be 100% honest, which I still try to do but I sensor myself and avoid certain topics. I have my reasons for keeping certain things private, one of them being that I don’t want to cause drama. I just wish I could write in length about the good things without shit hitting the fan.

The one thing that keeps me going is the simple fact that I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I am truly happy and I’m not going to let these people hold me back. I’m an open book, and I want to share my story with the world no matter what it takes. Starting tomorrow, I will be heading in another new direction with Rooplixoo and I am confident that it will be okay.

My Escape

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It’s probably pretty apparent by now that I spend a majority of my time online, but how do I spend that time? Well, I’m glad I asked! Thanks me! It’s actually quite a journey each day.

When I wake up, I open up my laptop and get down to… reconnecting it to the internet. Once that’s said and done, I jump into a Skype call with my favorite person and get my day started on a happy note. I absolutely love the calls I have in the early morning into the afternoon.

After he goes to bed, I get down to work, whether it be school or my job. If I’m doing schoolwork, I pull out my binder and start taking way too many notes and screaming at broken lines of code. If I’m doing my job, I get my stack of work orders and start entering them into the system. It’s not the most exciting job, but I’m happy to have it!

I finish off my day by watching hours of YouTube and passing out with my headset on.

My computer is my escape, and has become a huge part of my life. I don’t know where I would be without my laptop.

A Long Weekend

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Now that I am about halfway sober from my Easter festivities, I can sit down and write about my weekend. Just like everything else, it had its ups and downs but it was mostly nice.

I went to the craft store to help on my journey of making presents and small surprises for a certain someone. I can’t actually write what’s being made because they might read this, but it’s going to be awesome. As a note to this guy, I will win this game of gifts no matter how much glue I need to use or how many hours I need to spend on Amazon and Pinterest! You’re worth every minute of it.

Sunday was filled with food and, of course, alcohol — wine, almond liquor and coffee. My mom and I ordered everything. We had shrimp, stuffed mushroom caps, lobster, steak, rice… there was a lot of food on the table. I’m surprised that I’m still able to eat with everything we had!

It was probably the best weekend I had (that involved leaving the house) in a while. Now to settle back into my daily routine of sitting at my computer in my pajamas working away and daydreaming.

A Good Weekend

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This weekend was nice. I got to relax and spend a lot of time with my mom. I also planned out a lot more gifts and surprises for that secret of mine!

I’m still a bit sick, and possibly hung over from the wonderful meal I had yesterday, so I’m going to take it easy and keep reviewing my notes for school. I will have more to report on tonight!

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend, and has a great Monday!

Words

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Words can be very powerful. They can lift someone up, or tear them down. They convey information and can tell stories. We use words everyday in conversations and writing. I recently had the realization that my words have made an impact. This is probably something I should have realized way sooner, and I did, but I never realized to what extent.

In the past few months, I have destroyed and created by just using my words, mostly through feelings. I wasn’t brutal in my destruction, just honest and direct. Through using my words, I was able to get my thoughts out in the open and then I was able to heal. I no longer felt like I had to hide. I also had words thrown at me, which allowed me to let down my walls and trust again.

When I look back, I realize just how much words can change a situation. I know it’s a simple thing, and I probably think this is groundbreaking news because I’m sick, but I find it truly amazing just how powerful we all are when armed with something so common such as speech.

First Steps to Getting Better

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So I ended up going to the doctor today, and got medicine that is working so far… and making me extremely tired. I was able to keep food down, though, so that’s a plus. Sorry if that’s slightly gross, but we’ve all been sick so I feel like it’s okay to give details like that.

I got to have a nice, short call with the one known as “them”, and then I took a short nap. I’m hoping to get rid of whatever bug I have before Easter because there is no way I am skipping out on the food. Having an Italian mother has taught me that holidays are meant for family, friends and tons of food.

I hope everyone had a good day, and that no one has gotten whatever bug is going around.

Too Sick

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I don’t know what kind of bug I have, but I need it to go away. Being sick is no longer fun now that I’ not in school. I’m lying in bed, fevers coming and going, slowly eating crackers. I’ve gone through my playlist twice now, and I’m too dizzy to play games. I’ll be going to the doctor tomorrow, and possibly the chiropractor if I feel up to it.

There is something good, though. I can still hang out with people. Yes, I am sick as a dog, but there’s no way that I can infect them with whatever I have. All of my friends live in different places, whether it’s another state or another country, so all I have to do is call them up.

Hopefully I will be better in a couple of days, just need to rest and drink plenty of water… and maybe something to eat.