Tag: thoughts

It Needs to be Said

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I was having a good week until my thoughts crept back. Unfortunately, these thoughts actually made me realize a lot. I’m hurt and sad and tired, and I don’t even know where to begin.

I came to terms with the fact along time ago that you can’t please everyone, and not everyone will like you. I also understand that not everyone will care as much as I do, but that doesn’t stop me from caring… well, for the most part. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it makes my social life a bit hectic.

For a couple of weeks, I started to pay attention to who I spoke to on a regular basis and how the conversations went, and I figured out a lot. I then thought back to a ton of other conversations I’ve had with people I held close to me, and I found out what a lot of those interactions, old and new, have in common: I would be the one to initiate the conversation a majority of the time. This doesn’t go for everyone I speak with, but the ones that this happens with… fuck.

I then started trying to make excuses for it, my go-to coping mechanism for things like this, but then I stopped. I can’t keep making excuses and trying with people who don’t want to try with me. I have spent too much time crying and blaming myself and feeling like all I would ever be is the backup friend or the last resort.

Right now, my mental state isn’t exactly stable right now, but I keep pushing forward because I want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m enough, and that’s where I’m stuck.

For those of you who do make the small effort of just reaching out to say hello, know that your gesture is beyond appreciated and something that I hold close. Even if we just talk about bullshit or send pictures back and forth, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I know I’m not the best at keeping up with people, but I try.

I can’t keep letting people hurt me and not say anything, because it has gotten to a point that all I want is a hug, but I don’t want anyone near me because I’m so tired of being left behind.

I love you all. Please reach out to those you care about because they might not know anyone cares, and that message could change their entire perspective.

Confused and Lost

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So, social distancing is a thing and has been for a little bit. I’ve honestly found the time alone quite nice. I’m an introvert with a small social battery and few spoons to spare and, because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time creating, destroying, building myself up only to tear myself down, and just trying to make a plan for the rest of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and laughing, and daydreaming at 2 AM.

I’ve also been trying to stay connected with those around me, which I’m terrible at. I’ll either send 3-4 messages in a row, or I won’t respond for days/weeks at a time. My depression and mania are at the point where I laugh through my tears as I try desperately to fall asleep at a “normal” hour. I honestly don’t even notice how much time has passed between when I wake up to when I finally fall asleep.

I still socialize to an extent… I get in calls with a few people, and it’s nice, but I got into my head recently about past experiences and now I’m finding it hard to trust people. I hate that I feel this way, and I’m trying to not feel this way. I’ve stepped away from a lot of bad situations since last year, I just wish I could get over this bump so I can just enjoy something.

I feel like there’s no one in my corner and the feeling grows stronger with each day that comes and goes. I know I have a handful that genuinely care about my well-being, as I care for theirs, I’m just struggling right now and I don’t know how to begin to fix it.

I’m trying to stay focused on my subpar podcast and eventually streaming, but I’m dragging my feet and second guessing myself too much.

I just feel lost and I want to find my way back.

Haven’t I Learned?

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There are many things that I’ve learned over the years. From looking both way before crossing the street, to chewing with my mouth closed. I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? I should have full control of my life and my feelings…

Oh wait, this isn’t a perfect world and I’m a walking, talking mess. I have control over very little, including myself. My feelings run rapid like a dog let off its leash. I have recently broken one of the golden rules when you become a working adult: don’t start liking one of your coworkers.

You can’t help who you fall for, hell knows I’m the poster child for that, but I tried so hard not to like anyone at my job because I was under the assumption that I wasn’t ready and that I could turn my feelings on and off like a light (this is where I went wrong… and I guess right). When you stop trying or looking for something, whatever it is will break down your door and climb right into your lap.

I have been a basket case lately due to work stress, and the added pressure of a middle school crush isn’t helping. I mean, it makes me happy because I am capable of feeling again after a terrible breakup, but it scares.

Do I know if he likes me back, or would even consider me? No, I honestly have no idea. Do I try and crush my feelings every chance that I get? I sure do, but it doesn’t work. All my friends say I should go for it, because life is too short and taking chances are apart of the experience, but I honestly have no idea how to go about it.

It Finally Happened

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As I start my journey into 2019, I finally hit my goal of 100 followers! In the beginning, I didn’t think I would even get 10 followers. To know that I’ve reached so many people in a year truly makes me happy.

2018 had many up and downs, and this blog helped me work through a lot. This blog was about getting my life back on track and utilizing what I had at my disposal, but it’s done so much more than that. I’ve gained confidence and inspiration to do what I want to do. I feel like I can be myself and it’s okay that I have emotions and thoughts.

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my work, those who reached out when I was sad, and the ones who pushed me to keep going. All of you have shown me love and gave me a reason to pick myself up over and over again.

I love you all. Thank you.

A New Year?

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It’s 2019, so we have a whole year to reminisce about 2018. My New Year’s resolution is that I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings anymore. If something makes me happy, sad, or pisses me off, people are going to hear about it.

Starting at the beginning of December, I had another encounter with my depression. I was able to deal with it for a week or two, but it became unbearable. Those around me realized that I wasn’t okay, and that I needed time to deal with what I was going through. For the most part, my wish to only talk about what I was going through when I was up for it was respected, but others pushed me.

I know a few did it out of the kindness of their heart, but others simply wanted me to feel better sooner so they would have my shoulder to cry on once again. I went from being depressed to angry and I refuse to be that for those who won’t take the time for me. I am tired of giving my all and not getting a single thing in return. Relationships are a two-way street, and I realize now that 90% of mine are one-way.

I deserve to receive what I give, so I will only give as much as those give to me. If they give more, so will I, but no more and no less.

Adding to the List

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Now that the holidays are said and done, I’m starting to feel a bit better. I’m not 100%, but I feel slightly lighter. With that being said, I have focused some of my energy on an old project of mine: starting a business.

I know, I know… I start new projects all the time and then forget about them until I rediscover them. I have a good feeling about this though. I won’t go into too much detail about the business just yet, but I will tell the story of it.

Two years ago, I dropped out of college because of my wonderful mental problems and I was trying to find something to do with my time. I starting making things and realized that I could do something with it. I worked out a budget and found everything I would need to start this journey… but then I ran out of money and I gave up on the whole thing.

About a week ago, I found my old notebook that I wrote everything down in and the drive to do it came back. I have the entire product line sorted out, and I even have the business plan underway, all I have to do is pick 1 or 2 products to start with and grow from there. No one built an empire overnight, so I need to stop trying to. If I start small, I will be able to stay on track with everything else.

I’m Done

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I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of believing anyone actually cares. I am angry and I have been shaking for fucking days. I keep trying, but I’m starting to think there is no point. I keep getting knocked down and I’m close to just staying down. Every single day, I fight a losing battle and I have nothing left to give.

No matter what’s going on, I need to remember my place: I am meant to be seen, not heard. I have no voice and the more I speak up, the more I get hurt. The light at the end of the tunnel is dim, and I’m slowing down.

I’m sorry to everyone who has encountered me, and even more so to those who have to put up with me. I’m sorry to myself that I have thoughts and feelings and dreams, and that I never kept to myself.

I am not beautiful.
I am not strong.
I am not good enough.

This isn’t the end, but I’m done getting up.

Learning My Place

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Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned something amazing: I’m meant to be seen, but not heard. I’m meant to sit there and this to the world’s problems, but not have any of my own because they’re not as important. They become important when someone else has the same problem, but then it’s no longer my problem because it’s not as bad for me as it is for them. This isn’t geared at anyone specific, just everyone I encounter.

It’s fucking bullshit, but that’s life. From now on, I will only have a voice on here because it’s my blog. It makes me feel better and no one has to read what I write if they don’t want to. 

For the rest of the week, possibly the rest of the year, I will be limiting my interactions with others. I will continue to blog and stream, but I have no reason to continue to put myself in the position I’m in. For the rest of 2018, it’s about me.