The Final Draft

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I had a productive day… in the sense that it wasn’t very productive at all! I walked around the house and thought about everything I need to do during the day, while I also neglect most of those things.

I start a bunch of projects, and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing. From there, I get anxiety because nothing is getting done, and I get depressed; it’s a fucked up domino effect that needs to change. I feel like I’m lost in a sea of to-do’s and I’m either going to sink or swim… so I’ll try swimming!

When I started Rooplixoo, it was for the sole purpose of getting through all my makeup. Now, it’s taken on a mind of its own because I keep adding new goals. New goals are never a problem, except when they start to stack up and you end up watching 10 hours of videos and reach the end of the day feeling empty. I’m putting my foot down, because what I’m doing isn’t working anymore.

When I was younger, my mom created this beautiful board titled “The Eye Chart”. I am legally blind in my left eye, so when I was younger, the doctors told my parents that I had to wear these stick on eye patches and do exercises to strengthen the vision in my left eye. Now, not much has changed in the sense that I am a stubborn, pain-in-the-ass that marches to a different beat, but I do enjoy rewards and prizes. My mom created this chart and at the end of each week, I would get a prize. I think I got through about 2 weeks before it was retired, but I still continued to fill in all the days with stickers!

I will probably be up all night because I took a nap today, so tonight I will be putting my board together and working. Up above is a draft of what will go on the board. I have started so many things, that I need to remind myself to brush my teeth! I’m not proud of that, but the first step is admitting there’s a problem! I feel if I can get myself on a schedule and stick to it, I will either start to feel better or be so distracted that I won’t have time to feel bad.

I know it’s impossible to plan out every single day and have a perfect routine, but if I nail it at least 4 days out of the week, I’ll be beyond proud of myself. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. If I have to basically recreate The Eye Chart and reward myself for being a functional human being to get on track, then so be it!

Here’s to yet another new beginning!

What to Do

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Today, I will not be doing makeup because my face needs a break from the makeup I used at my dad’s. I don’t know what caused the allergic reaction, but my eyelids are still really dry and itchy. Instead, I will be getting everything finished!

I have way too many loose ends because I like to start 80 things at once, so today I will be knocking out a lot of it! When I woke up today, I had this huge burst of energy and I want to do everything! My plate will be filled with a bullet journal, a daily routine board, work, school and a logo design! I haven’t figured out the order I will do everything in just yet, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough! I have also been neglecting my Instagram, so I need to start keeping up with that, too!

Today is the day that I get my life back on track and try to feel better about waking up every morning. I’m taking back control (again) and I don’t plan on letting go!

Trying to be Okay

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In more recent years, I’ve settled into the stresses of being a young adult and realizing that things don’t get easier or harder, rather they change and challenge you every step of the way. I think about how much I’ve changed over the past few years, but also how eerily similar everything has been.

When I was younger, I jumped around from one dream profession to another; when I was 5, I wanted to be a vampire slayer (unfortunately, they don’t do very well in this economy). Everything from marine biology to wedding planning interested me. I’ve taken courses in interior design, business management, software development, web design, and I even tried starting my own business. I still have this need to learn and do everything, which is great and terrible. I have all the time in the world but still run out of it by the end of the day.

Throughout all of my changes in life, there have been constants… my parents, I’m a pain in the ass, traveling, and my teddy bear. Now, over the past 22 years, I have accumulated a toy store’s worth of stuffed animals of all different sizes and colors, and I love them all. My bear, the one pictured above, is very special to me. He was given to me by my great-aunt when I was born and has been by my side through everything. I can only remember a handful of times where I didn’t have him with me, except in school and at work. His right arm has fallen off about 7 times, and my mom always sewed it back on. He doesn’t have a name, but I can’t imagine him with one at this point.

I know, a 22 year-old with a stuffed animal friend. It’s more than that, though. I found comfort in him being there. I was and still am capable of finding joy in something, and if I have to sleep with a teddy bear for the rest of my life to feel somewhat okay then I will.

I’m not ashamed of being happy or feeling comfort. I’m not going to let others control how I feel about things, or allow them to make me feel bad about myself. As long as I have my bear, I can try to be okay.

Losing Momentum

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Yesterday was an experience that I never want to have again. I am allergic to something in that makeup bag, so I can’t do my makeup while I’m here until I get better makeup.

I get very panicky when I go somewhere, even if it’s just for a few days. This time, I forgot my notebook for school and I didn’t bring enough work with me to truly utilize my time. The good thing is that I remembered to bring my laptop and the charging cable, so I can still write on this blog.

In the past, I’ve tried using lists so I remember everything I need to bring with me, but that never worked because I would always forget to put something on the list. My boyfriend has sat in calls with me multiple times asking me if I had everything I needed, and I still fell short. I try to prepare ahead of time, but I’m starting to realize that I just have to go with the flow and try not to worry when I leave something behind.

Since I don’t know what I’m doing today, I guess I’ll start working soon and go from there. The only exciting thing about not knowing what I’m doing is that the second post for today will be a surprise!

An Experience

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Well, this was something. From drawing all over my eyelid with mascara to my eye shadow brush falling apart, it’s been quite the adventure. I don’t know what’s in this makeup, but my eyes are super itchy right now, so I need to get through this post!

The eye shadow surprised me! It was extremely pigmented and layered really well. The mascara, however, made me sad… it was really dry and flaky, and it was reasonably new.

Sadly, I had to say goodbye to my eye shadow brush. It lived a long life, and applied many an eye shadow. It started with a few bristles, and then the entire top half of the brush fell off. It was a great loss, but I had to move on. Here’s to my fallen brush, e.l.f. eye shadow brush.

I really don’t have much else to report on, but my eyes are watering at this point so I have to go and scrub my face! It was interesting just going with the flow and doing my makeup at 9 o’ clock at night.

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I won’t be completely broken out. Here’s to new-ish adventures!

The Basics

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Today I’m at my dad’s house so I can’t actually do my full day routine here (mostly because I forgot some things at my mom’s house), but I did find my makeup. I have powder, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, eyelash curler and a lip gloss sword.

I haven’t done my makeup with this little since 10th grade. I never used foundation or more than one brush, so it will be interesting to retry my high school ways! If I remember correctly, the eye shadows don’t give a lot of color so I hope I will be able to layer them.

As a small, very obvious update, I did not change the website around or work on my logo this weekend. This weekend was very rough for me emotionally, and I couldn’t even think about touching this blog. I will hopefully be working on the logo today, and eventually get to the website sometime later this week.

I don’t really have much planned for today, so I’m just going to wing it! I worked so hard on setting up a daily routine that having no plan feels kind of weird. I am currently on Skype and we just finished playing golf. Once the call ends, I guess I’ll just go with the flow!

Happy Monday, everyone!

Into the Weekend

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I had a good Friday. I got everything together to set up a daily routine and actually started planning it out! From watching videos to reading articles on how to stick to a schedule, I finally know how I’m going to go about this.

Tonight will be spent creating my daily routine board which will hang on the wall by my stairs. It will be extremely details, listing everything I need to do. From brushing my teeth to blogging and everything in between, there will be a place for it on my board! Now, why does a 22 year-old need a reminded for brushing her teeth? I don’t, but to stay organized throughout my day, it needs to be on the board.

This board is probably going to be a mess of extensive color-coding and miscellaneous tasks, but that’s what I need to stay on track. I have come to the conclusion that I have taken on way to many things and I have started to become overwhelmed. I know I can get everything done that I need to get done, I just need to organize it right.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and relaxing weekend. I will be spending mine finishing off my routine board and sprucing up the website! I can’t wait to come back Monday refreshed and ready to go!

Tired Thoughts

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Today, I sat in bed, took care of my pets and took a nap. My mental state isn’t 100% because, on one hand, I feel like I did nothing; on the other hand, I needed to step away and just do nothing.

My life, like many others, is me standing in the middle of a never-ending shit storm holding onto a tiny ball of good. No matter what happens, I hold onto that ball in hopes that one day the storm will clear up and the ball can grow.

If I had to take anything away from today, it’s that the storm that surrounds me is not something I can control, because a majority of the storm is caused by the world around me. I can, however, control that tiny ball of good. I can’t control how people will react or the unexpected, but I can try to maneuver these obstacles with grace.

I’ve come to the realization that I can’t take on every single problem because someone asks me or expects me to. I can’t keep helping people by not helping myself; in the end, I have to live with myself and I am tired of living in a stressed, worn out body.

It will take some time for me to work on this; old habits die hard. As long as I keep working on it, though, it will become easier because I will become stronger.

Tomorrow, I will be writing out my full routine and start fresh Monday morning. I will make time to do everything: makeup, nails, school, work and exercise. If I want a better me, I need to make it.

A Day Off

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Today, I will not be doing my nails or makeup, or doing work of any kind. I won’t be taking pictures, or planning out my days for the next 6 months. Today, I need to step back and take a day to do absolutely nothing. Before going any further, I would like to say that there is happiness in this post, just bear with me.

In previous posts, I have mentioned my depression and anxiety. I would like to delve a bit further into them in this post. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 13 years, and the mood swing and anger issues that tag along with those.

I find that when I read about depression or anxiety, it’s very textbook and there is barely any emotion behind it. I would like to shed some light on my experiences. Depression and anxiety are, to put it simply, wicked bitches. They’re the girls in high school that get you in trouble, or a long night drinking followed by a day-long hangover and a missing wallet.

My depression comes in waves, whereas my anxiety is always lurking. I have learned to use my anxiety as a way to become more cautious, and to observe everything around me. Depression, on the other hand, I can’t control. Ignoring it just represses it, and accepting it pushes me further down the hole. So how do I deal with this?

Well, I fill my day with the most pointless and meaningful tasks. Keeping busy allows me to work through my depression subconsciously. Not only do I get things done, I start to feel better. I know I said that I won’t be doing a single thing today, but it’s the nothing that I do that will make me feel better. Watching hours of videos and playing phone games and just spacing out.

As sad as I am right now, I know that I am strong enough to get through it, like I always do. So, I’m going to plop myself down with a bag of chips and phone and just be. I know there are plenty of people out there who are going through the same thing, and I hope you all know that it’s okay to just do nothing. There are always more days ahead, and one day won’t be the end of the world. You are your own best friend and enemy. Take the day to learn about yourself, take yourself on a date, talk to yourself and, most importantly, try to be good to yourself.

I know this was a long post, but I feel like it needed to be written. If anyone that sees this needs someone to talk to, please use the contact form or comment. I always have my blog and email open, and will respond as soon as I get anything. You are not alone and I really hate when people tell me this, but it can get better (trust me, I want to punch myself in the face for saying that).