I don’t have much planned for today except to try to get some school work done. The past few days have been extremely stressful and I’m doing my best to cope with everything and figure out how to handle it all.
I hope everyone has a great day, and hopefully mine will get better.
This morning I was going through my photos and reliving a lot of memories – some good, some bad. While going through all of these pictures, I got to see how much I’ve grown over the past few years… and how many times I changed my hair color.
I ended up seeing pictures from a lot of the darker days I had, followed by my brighter ones. Having the years laid out that way showed me that I have gotten through so much already and that I will continue to.
I’m not as fragile as I think I am, nor am I weak for having the feelings that I have. I need to start giving myself more credit and, once I do, I will be able to wake up every morning and know that everything will be okay.
This weekend, I decided to start working on my secret plan. I had a lot happen and the only thing that will really help is a secret project. I am honestly feeling extremely lost, but I hope that this will get me through it all.
My weekend consisted of laughing, crying, sleeping and watching too many videos. It was probably one of the roughest weekends I’ve had in a while, but I survived and that’s what matters.
I honestly don’t know what I will be doing outside of this mystery project, but everything will be okay. I hope by the end of the day, I will know everything I need to do and how to handle the things I don’t want to do.
Sometimes, it’s good to go back to a simpler time. For me, that meant making a terrible blanket fort, cookies and watching YouTube videos. I have been very stressed lately, to the point that it was causing physical pain and I needed to try to contain it before it got out of hand.
At the end of the day, I am out of cookies and almost out of stress. I am amazed how much something so simple helped so much. I think from now on, every Friday will be Blanket Fort Day. If I can do something that alleviates some of my emotional pains, I will.
Overall, my Friday was very relaxing and I’m happy I made my shitty, one-blanket blanket fort. I cried a lot, but it was such a relief to let all of that pain out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to keep hiding how I feel, especially my anger and sadness.
I hope to get a lot of work done this weekend, as my to-do list just keeps growing and I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m going to get things in order and work through it all.
At the end of the day, the sun sets and everyone gets settled in for the night. They night pray or send goodnight texts to their loved ones. I don’t. I say goodnight to my mother and I head up to my room where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I watch videos or talk to people, but I mostly just stay in bed thinking.
Last night I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. As of late, I gave up on my plans and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing outside of working and this. I don’t know what I want anymore, and I feel lost. I’m trying to stay positive and think about the quiet snowfall I witnessed the other morning, but I’m torn inside about what to do.
Whether it’s my depression talking or this is how I truly feel, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay focused on what I need to do but I’m struggling more and more. It could be the weather and I’m not getting enough sunlight, or maybe it’s something I’ve yet to realize. All I know is that I need to figure it out and keep it from eating me alive before I know what it is.
Depression, in short, is a fickle bitch. I’m starting to fight back, but it’s a long battle ahead. I just need to focus on the end goal and that everything has to get better.
The other morning, I ended up going outside to take pictures of the snow for my friends. I haven’t enjoy the snow in years, mostly because I can’t stand the cold, but it was different. Everything was quiet, and there were no bunny prints on the ground. All I could hear was me. It was like I was completely alone.
There are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I normally enjoy it, but this was amazing. I finally saw just how beautiful being alone can be. I was standing outside in my pajamas and I didn’t feel cold. It was like it was my time to just be. I am alone a majority of the day, but I know there are people around. There was nothing, and it reminded me of why I became a night owl in the first place: I enjoy the silence.
Depression and anxiety make it very hard for me to enjoy things in my life, but in that moment I was there instead of millions miles away thinking about how I fucked up on that math test in 3rd grade or that random woman who glared at me in the mall back in high school. I was just watching snow fall at 5 AM, and it was all mine.
It was truly amazing, and I hope that everyone can experience that. I finally feel like I can control my thoughts. Will I always want to? No, but I have the option to and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wasn’t angry, sad, excited or happy, I was just there. I can’t stand getting up that early, but if I’m up, I might step outside and see if I can recreate what I felt.
I’m nowhere near being 100% okay, but I don’t think anyone is. All I know is that even when my battle is at its worse, I can just be. I am still extremely sad and feel an emptiness that is more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced, but at that moment I felt like I had something to cling onto.
I’m out of whack, and probably will be for a while, but this is the first time I can say that I will survive again.
Life has many ups and downs no matter who you are. Every single one of us handles situations differently and each situation allows us to learn and grow. Sadly, I learned a very hard lesson over the past few days. I learned that trust is fragile, and not always forever.
Due to my experiences in life, I have become a very cautious person, only letting a few people in at a time. I have a difficult time trusting people, but when I finally open up, it feels like I can be myself. Unfortunately, I have to start over now.
Maybe I trusted too soon or too much, or maybe my expectations are too high. All I know right now is that I’m hurt and numb; I truly feel like I’m shutting down emotionally. I’m going to try to distract myself over the next few days in hopes that I can work through it and get back on track.
I feel dull, almost drunk on exhaustion. I hate feeling this way, so I’m only going to let myself feel down for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day, and I will try to make the best of it.
I’m sorry that this post and the last post aren’t happy or exciting, but I didn’t know what else to write about except how I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s good to get it all out on paper.
Since I’m going to be exercising, I figured I would write about how I’m organizing my workout routine. Before I go any further though, I would like to tell you what the posting schedule will be for my blog.
I’m sure I will fix the times once my sleep patterns are regular, but that’s what it’ll be for now!
Now to dive into my exercise routine. I am using an app called the 30 Day Fitness Challenge, as well as a weekly routine that I found online. I have used this app before in the past, but never for it’s intended purpose. The reason I’m starting to exercise again is because I’m hoping it will help with my depression and anger issues, as well as help me stick to a schedule. I’m also hoping to get back in shape. I’m not out of shape, but I’m not in shape.
I personally like working out from home because I don’t need to worry about dealing with other people and with the workout I’m doing, I don’t need any equipment. I used to go to the gym, but I never really liked working with weights or machines so this is perfect for me. The best part is that since my room is going to be my gym, I’m not restricted to a time that I have to exercise and I can start and stop when I want.
My plan is to do a basic, very relaxed full body workout during the week, and then push myself a bit further with a more intense workout on the weekend. I also plan on starting to eat better. I don’t eat terrible food, but I could stand to have more salad and a lot more water.
I am in no way an expert in fitness, but I want to better myself. The point of this project is to feel better about myself, which includes but is not limited to:
I know this project has taken on a life of its own, but I think it’s very interesting to see how it’s changed over each post. It really shows just how many things I want and need to get done, and what a mess my mind is when it comes to trying to organize all of it. For all I know, I’ll want to add another project to my ever-growing list and write about it tomorrow and that will be the new thing I’m obsessed with. I really hope I don’t come up with anything else, but I know I might and I’m prepared to take on whatever else I manage to throw at myself.
On January 29, 2018, Paige put a white board on her wall! Not just any white board… a white board with her new routine on it! I probably woke up an hour ago, but my sleep schedule will eventually get better as I follow this routine. I’m not too worried about getting my sleep on track just yet, I just want to have a set of tasks for each day.
On Saturday, I got to see my second cousin, second cousin-in-law, and I finally got to meet my adorable third cousins! It was really fun and I can’t wait to see them again. Sunday, unfortunately, my depression and anxiety went into high gear and I slept all day. I am still a bit shaky and out of it right now, but I’m going to try to work through it.
Back to the board… I have listed everything that I need to do, and things I need to remember to do throughout the day and the week. I will try to set up a habit tracker today, but that’s not exactly at the top of my list.
After I get back from lunch, I will be settling down and getting to work. Since I woke up late, I don’t think I will be able to do a decent amount of work and get 16 lessons done in school, but I will try!
Even though my nerves are shot and my mind is in a million different places, I’m proud of myself. Just putting the board up on my wall is an achievement for me, and I need to remember that every little thing I get done is good.
I had a productive day… in the sense that it wasn’t very productive at all! I walked around the house and thought about everything I need to do during the day, while I also neglect most of those things.
I start a bunch of projects, and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing. From there, I get anxiety because nothing is getting done, and I get depressed; it’s a fucked up domino effect that needs to change. I feel like I’m lost in a sea of to-do’s and I’m either going to sink or swim… so I’ll try swimming!
When I started Rooplixoo, it was for the sole purpose of getting through all my makeup. Now, it’s taken on a mind of its own because I keep adding new goals. New goals are never a problem, except when they start to stack up and you end up watching 10 hours of videos and reach the end of the day feeling empty. I’m putting my foot down, because what I’m doing isn’t working anymore.
When I was younger, my mom created this beautiful board titled “The Eye Chart”. I am legally blind in my left eye, so when I was younger, the doctors told my parents that I had to wear these stick on eye patches and do exercises to strengthen the vision in my left eye. Now, not much has changed in the sense that I am a stubborn, pain-in-the-ass that marches to a different beat, but I do enjoy rewards and prizes. My mom created this chart and at the end of each week, I would get a prize. I think I got through about 2 weeks before it was retired, but I still continued to fill in all the days with stickers!
I will probably be up all night because I took a nap today, so tonight I will be putting my board together and working. Up above is a draft of what will go on the board. I have started so many things, that I need to remind myself to brush my teeth! I’m not proud of that, but the first step is admitting there’s a problem! I feel if I can get myself on a schedule and stick to it, I will either start to feel better or be so distracted that I won’t have time to feel bad.
I know it’s impossible to plan out every single day and have a perfect routine, but if I nail it at least 4 days out of the week, I’ll be beyond proud of myself. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. If I have to basically recreate The Eye Chart and reward myself for being a functional human being to get on track, then so be it!
Here’s to yet another new beginning!
The Change 