Rewind and Unwind

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Sometimes, it’s good to go back to a simpler time. For me, that meant making a  terrible blanket fort, cookies and watching YouTube videos. I have been very stressed lately, to the point that it was causing physical pain and I needed to try to contain it before it got out of hand.

At the end of the day, I am out of cookies and almost out of stress. I am amazed how much something so simple helped so much. I think from now on, every Friday will be Blanket Fort Day. If I can do something that alleviates some of my emotional pains, I will.

Overall, my Friday was very relaxing and I’m happy I made my shitty, one-blanket blanket fort. I cried a lot, but it was such a relief to let all of that pain out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to keep hiding how I feel, especially my anger and sadness.

I hope to get a lot of work done this weekend, as my to-do list just keeps growing and I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m going to get things in order and work through it all.

At the End of the Day

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At the end of the day, the sun sets and everyone gets settled in for the night. They night pray or send goodnight texts to their loved ones. I don’t. I say goodnight to my mother and I head up to my room where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I watch videos or talk to people, but I mostly just stay in bed thinking.

Last night I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. As of late, I gave up on my plans and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing outside of working and this. I don’t know what I want anymore, and I feel lost. I’m trying to stay positive and think about the quiet snowfall I witnessed the other morning, but I’m torn inside about what to do.

Whether it’s my depression talking or this is how I truly feel, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay focused on what I need to do but I’m struggling more and more. It could be the weather and I’m not getting enough sunlight, or maybe it’s something I’ve yet to realize. All I know is that I need to figure it out and keep it from eating me alive before I know what it is.

Depression, in short, is a fickle bitch. I’m starting to fight back, but it’s a long battle ahead. I just need to focus on the end goal and that everything has to get better.

Perspective

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The other morning, I ended up going outside to take pictures of the snow for my friends. I haven’t enjoy the snow in years, mostly because I can’t stand the cold, but it was different. Everything was quiet, and there were no bunny prints on the ground. All I could hear was me. It was like I was completely alone.

There are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I normally enjoy it, but this was amazing. I finally saw just how beautiful being alone can be. I was standing outside in my pajamas and I didn’t feel cold. It was like it was my time to just be. I am alone a majority of the day, but I know there are people around. There was nothing, and it reminded me of why I became a night owl in the first place: I enjoy the silence.

Depression and anxiety make it very hard for me to enjoy things in my life, but in that moment I was there instead of millions miles away thinking about how I fucked up on that math test in 3rd grade or that random woman who glared at me in the mall back in high school. I was just watching snow fall at 5 AM, and it was all mine.

It was truly amazing, and I hope that everyone can experience that. I finally feel like I can control my thoughts. Will I always want to? No, but I have the option to and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wasn’t angry, sad, excited or happy, I was just there. I can’t stand getting up that early, but if I’m up, I might step outside and see if I can recreate what I felt.

I’m nowhere near being 100% okay, but I don’t think anyone is. All I know is that even when my battle is at its worse, I can just be. I am still extremely sad and feel an emptiness that is more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced, but at that moment I felt like I had something to cling onto.

I’m out of whack, and probably will be for a while, but this is the first time I can say that I will survive again.

Twists and Turns

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Life has many ups and downs no matter who you are. Every single one of us handles situations differently and each situation allows us to learn and grow. Sadly, I learned a very hard lesson over the past few days. I learned that trust is fragile, and not always forever.

Due to my experiences in life, I have become a very cautious person, only letting a few people in at a time. I have a difficult time trusting people, but when I finally open up, it feels like I can be myself. Unfortunately, I have to start over now.

Maybe I trusted too soon or too much, or maybe my expectations are too high. All I know right now is that I’m hurt and numb; I truly feel like I’m shutting down emotionally. I’m going to try to distract myself over the next few days in hopes that I can work through it and get back on track.

I feel dull, almost drunk on exhaustion. I hate feeling this way, so I’m only going to let myself feel down for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day, and I will try to make the best of it.

I’m sorry that this post and the last post aren’t happy or exciting, but I didn’t know what else to write about except how I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s good to get it all out on paper.

A Bad Morning

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I had an extremely rough night that carried over into my morning. My mind is swimming, and I can’t really think about anything creative and fun. I will take the day to calm down and get my thoughts in order so I can come back strong in my next post.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!

Too Many Choices

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I expected the hunt for a new theme to be easy. I thought I would scroll for a little bit, and then it would leap off the screen and latch to my face until I picked it. “How hard can it be?”, I thought. Very. It’s very hard.

I found about 5 themes that I like, and they all provide different things. Now, I get to enjoy trying all of them and going through a process of elimination until only one stands. Seems simple enough… if I was actually capable of making a decision. I am extremely indecisive with everything. My mind is cluttered with “maybe”s and “what if”s. If there was a way that I could use all of them, I would.

The plan for the rest of the week, outside of everything else, is to choose a theme for the blog. I’m hoping that I will be able to do so in a timely fashion but, knowing me, that’s not going to happen! I’m determined, though. I will choose a theme no matter what.

Tomorrow is going to be filled with phone calls and work, so I will be trying on new themes in my down time! I can’t wait to see who the final contestant is!

So Many Themes!

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Now that I have a logo, I need to get a new theme for the blog because the logo appears to be the side of my thumb when I try to use it. Hopefully I will be able to find something I like somewhat easily but I have a feeling it’s going to take a while. I can’t wait to start redesigning the website.

I really don’t have much else to report. I will be working and making calls today so, outside of fixing up the blog, I don’t have much to do out of the ordinary. I’m actually happy to have a semi-easy day. I haven’t been feeling well for the past few days so the easier the better.

Since it’s already noon, I’m going head off and hopefully stay up for a while. Maybe I’ll start off by doing some laundry or eating something, but I need to wake up!

I hope everyone has an amazing Tuesday!

In Search of (Regular) Sleep

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My body has a love-hate relationship with sleeping and anything that goes with it.I remember very few times that I can say that I slept through the night and didn’t count the random objects around my room. The worst part is if I get more than 5 hours of sleep at night, I feel completely exhausted and sick when I wake up. Catching up on my sleep is just a dream for me (sleeping pun, but true).

This is where naps come in. A guilty pleasure for most, and an essential for me, naps are the greatest things. If I didn’t take naps daily, I would probably be on autopilot from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep.

Over the past couple years, I have definitely slept more than I’ve been awake and, as sad as it seems, I’m completely fine with it. I have my best ideas right before I go to sleep and immediately after I wake up. This whole blog is in existence because I ended up staying up all night thinking about new writing ideas. I’m not sad when I’m tired, I’m creative.

Do I wish that I could just have a normal sleep schedule and feel great if I accidentally sleep in? Yeah, sometimes, but I am starting to enjoy my crazy life. I know I won’t be able to keep it this way forever, so I’m going to enjoy it while I can (and I’m pretty sure my cats don’t mind one bit).

I don’t know what I’m actually going to do today. I’m in a lot of pain and it’s wearing me out, but I’m going to try to get something done. I have been watching a lot of makeup tutorials lately, and making a list of all the looks I can try; it won’t been happening today, but I will be picking up on doing my makeup very soon!

Sorry for the post about naps with a picture of one of my kitties. I am truly so exhausted that all my thoughts and ideas lead to sleeping. Hopefully, I will wake up soon and will create or do something amazing!

Happy Monday!

A Relaxing Friday

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It was freezing outside, so it was the perfect day to stay in my pajamas and do nothing. I slept until noon and then took a nap at around 3 PM. It was nice to literally do nothing all day. I did, however, have a ton of ideas for the site which I will be working on all weekend… once I draw them up.

I’m looking forward to the weekend; I pretty much have everything planned out, all I need to do is finalize some of the details and I’ll be ready to go. I have also decided that Thursdays will be my day of from exercising, so I’ll have even more things to do this weekend.

Other than sleeping, planning and eating popcorn, nothing else got really happened. I needed a nothing day. I think everyone does every once in a while. I’m surprised that my anxiety didn’t kick in about nothing getting done, but I’m not going to question it!

I hope everyone had a great Friday and an enjoyable weekend!