Roo – Page 23 – The Change

The Uphill Battle Continues

Published on March 15, 2018March 15, 2018 by Roo1 Comment

I have depression, anxiety and a cocktail of assorted other mental problems. I’ve spoken about my struggles, as well as my progress with them in previous posts. This week has just been a comedy of errors.

I have been going to therapy for probably 2.5 years, and I didn’t take much away from it, but I had someone to talk to, which helped a ton. Through talking to someone who wasn’t directly involved, I gained footing on my life and was able to work through a lot of my issues.

On Monday, I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist because my previous one retired. I wasn’t to thrilled about opening up to someone new, but I was willing to give it a shot. Due to miscommunication about insurance, I had to cancel my appointment only a couple of hours beforehand because he called me and told me he didn’t take my insurance.

Throughout my life, I have been made to feel guilty for things that either weren’t my fault or that I had no control over. Now, I sit here, feeling a combination of guilt and like I was given up on (even though that’s not the case). I can’t help but to feel hurt by this, and it actually pisses me off that I’m upset about this.

Today, I get to spend it playing phone tag with various clinics and offices in an attempt to find a new therapist or psychiatrist. Here’s hoping I will be able to get somewhere on my journey.

Rebuilding

Published on March 14, 2018 by Roo4 Comments

After a long internal battle of taking a blame for what happened and trying to convince myself that I had no control over the situation, I realized that I needed to just cut my losses and move on because there’s truly nothing I can do.

Right now, I just feel blank. I’m not happy or sad, I’m just here. I’m just hoping that I will be in a better mood come sunrise.

Self-Destructive Personalities

Published on March 14, 2018 by Roo1 Comment

Yesterday, I was hurt. I took some time to think about it, and I tried to push the feelings away, but I can’t. Someone that I thought was a friend, someone who I could trust, turned out to be just another asshole.

Me and my friends are assholes, it’s why we get along so well. We completely tear each other down, but with love. We know when we’ve reached a line and we don’t cross it. This person, however, went pretty far over the line and just thinking about some of the things they said makes me have to force back tears.

I constantly battle between being cold and strong, and being sensitive and crying it out. As I sit here writing this, I feel empty but still want to break down into my pillow with all the lights out. To receive such judgement from someone I thought would understand set me back, and now I have to push forward again.

Their behavior started out as self-destructive, then morphed into being just destructive. There was no way to disarm them, because any attempt would only fuel the fire.

Until I’m stronger and can truly face the situation with very little emotion, I can’t have people like that in my life.

Keeping it Under Wraps

Published on March 13, 2018March 13, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Sometimes it’s hard to look forward. We can’t see past what’s happened before and we try desperately to be in the moment. The fact of the matter is that the future, second by second, is coming and going at a constant speed and we can’t stop it. We sit and plan out our lives and daydream about everything we want to do. In some aspects we do have some input as to where we’ll end up, but for the most part we don’t; we need to try to gain the ability to accept that even though the unknown is scary, it’s quite beautiful.

For a while, my initial plan for life was to rough it on my own. I was going to move to Seattle, invest in a few apartments and once I had enough money, I would go to a sperm bank and make a family for myself. If someone came along and wanted to be apart of it, they could. I wanted to have this all done by 25. Recently, my plans got completely turned upside down. I’m going to be 23 in July, I still live at home and I’m a student. I also know that I will not be going at this alone.

I never thought I would be here, with someone and have so many opportunities. This wasn’t apart of my master plan, but I am so happy that dream got demolished and replaced with this one.

Eventually, I will write about my new plan for life, but I want to keep this dream to myself for a bit longer. I’m still in shock about the whole thing, and it amazes me to the point that just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes (good tears, I assure you).

Sometimes keeping things a secret can be hard, but this has been the easiest thing to ever happen to me,

Panic at the Discord

Published on March 13, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

I have had an eventful morning, filled with drinking and good people! I had a half n’ half day yesterday, but being around friends and enjoying a few drinks really cheered me up.

I don’t have much else planned for the day except for work, school and maybe a nap.

Silver Lining

Published on March 12, 2018March 12, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

I was woken up from my nap at 3:40 PM to get some not-so-good news. Once again, the person who was going to be my new therapist cancelled on me only a few hours before the appointment because he just now realized that he didn’t take my insurance. I would have been able to accept this news a bit easier if my first appointment wasn’t pushed back a month and if he sounded even a bit sympathetic.

When I get stressed or upset about something I can’t control, I turn to music. So I turned on my computer and started jumping from song to song. As I was having my own solo dance party, I decided to check my blog and I saw something that I didn’t think I would see for a very long time… I reached 50 followers!

I have been doing this since December 31, and I am still amazed at how many people have enjoyed my content and have taken the time to follow me. Thank you all so much for giving me the drive to keep going and to have confidence in myself. It truly means the world to me.

Making Things Weird

Published on March 12, 2018March 12, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

This morning, I decided to go back to my first Facebook status. What a mistake that was! It was 2009 and I was 13 years old. I had nothing but a bright future and my ability to make any situation awkward. Throughout the years, I have only perfected the art of being socially awkward.

Every situation I encounter is met with me listing of random facts, asking rhetorical questions and pretty much making a fool out of myself. The good thing is that I’m also able to laugh at myself, which makes a lot of my social interactions move a lot smoother.

I truly used to hate how uncomfortable I used to make everything, but now I embrace it. I’m weird, and so is everyone else. I enjoy that I’m slightly off, and occasionally in rare form. I love telling stupid jokes that get pity laugh and half-assed smiles. Almost every good memory I have includes me doing something quirky or obscure.

I’m finally starting to accept myself, bit by bit.

Love

Published on March 9, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

When I was in 9th grade, my English teacher assigned the class to define love. Me being the edgy teenager that I was thought love was a waste of time, and wrote about how it was pretty much the stupidest thing.

Then I saw Friends: The One with the Prom Video….

lobster

I had seen the episode before, but for some reason, it spoke to me. Love wasn’t stupid or outrageous, it was just hard to find. I then realized that my definition wasn’t exactly right.

Love is one of those things that the definition is different from person to person. There is no right or wrong answer to the question “What is love?” Most of the time, it can’t even be described.

Growing Stronger

Published on March 8, 2018March 8, 2018 by RooLeave a comment

Today, I wrote about two people who mean the world to me and how they kept me growing. What I didn’t mention is the strength they gave me and how much they helped me realize how strong I truly am.

I never thought of myself as strong, rather as someone who needed to be tough. What I’ve learned, though, is that being strong doesn’t mean standing alone and taking on the world by yourself. Everyone needs someone, whether it be for a laugh or a hug. We learn how to deal with what’s thrown at us from watching and interacting with others.

These two wonderful people, as well as others in my life, have helped me reach the conclusion that I am strong, I have potential and that I can make it in this world. Best of all, I never have to walk alone.

The Family We Make

Published on March 8, 2018 by Roo2 Comments

Last night, I was thinking about the past couple years and the people who came and went. I started thinking about two people specifically, who literally are two of the greatest people I know. These two go by the names Jordi and Alex.

These two boys are the most outrageous people I know, and I love them to bits. From terrible jokes that don’t make any sense to endless conversations about anything and everything, I don’t know where I would be without them. They’re my best friends and, more importantly, my family.

A majority of our time together is spent playing games, watching videos, laughing about the most random and irrelevant things, sleeping (I have a habit of falling asleep at my computer) and just being there for each other. I am not a people person, but these beautiful guys broke my shell and now I actually enjoy socializing.

I’m not the easiest person to get along with, not by a long shot, but they stuck by me through pretty much everything and I can’t thank them enough for the joy, comfort and support that they have given me.

So guys, time to get sappy. Jordi, Alex… we’re a bunch of assholes and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love you guys and here’s to many more years of bad jokes and great drinks!