Tag: tired

Losing Myself

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I’ve been sleeping a lot… too much. When I’m up, I force a smile which is slowly breaking. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore and I’m struggling. I wish the strength I have been given was enough, but I need to find the strength in myself now.

I haven’t had the worst life, but it definitely wasn’t the best. I’m doing my best to make it better, but I need to be able to stay awake to get anywhere. I’ve been trying to focus on the good in my life, and it does help to have some sunshine in the storm, I just wish all I could focus on was the good.

I am strong, but I could be stronger, and that’s what I’m going to try to work on before it’s too late.

Emotional Runaway

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I am extremely tired, physically and mentally. I keep trying and pushing forward, I just wish it could go faster. I feel like I’m being held down by everyone else’s problems, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m not in the position to go off the grid and disappear yet, but I can let my mind go and wander.

If I let my mental state run away, I think I would be better off. I would be a bit of a robot, but maybe that would be better right now. I will still care and have feelings, just not as many. I can’t control the situations that surround me, but I can control myself.

I’m going to let go for a while, and I will just focus on my future; I won’t have one if I give up, so I need to keep going.

Mistakes Happen

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Today marks the first day that a morning post is an afternoon post. Due to stress, I haven’t been sleeping very well, and I just woke up a little bit ago. I’m extremely upset about this, and I feel like a fuck up. I’m trying to look at it as “shit happens”, but it’s hard for me to do.

My absolutely wonderful boyfriend, though, is telling me it’ll be okay and I trust him. I’m not going to give up, but maybe I should alter my schedule to one post when the sun is out and one post when the moon is out per day.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was meant to write this post now. If I keep telling myself that, I feel better about it. I love this project, and I’m not going to give up on it; this blog has given me an outlet that I never really had before. I feel like I’m apart of something outside of myself and each day I get excited to write. This blog has given me my creativity back, and I’m not going to lose it again.

Words

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Words can be very powerful. They can lift someone up, or tear them down. They convey information and can tell stories. We use words everyday in conversations and writing. I recently had the realization that my words have made an impact. This is probably something I should have realized way sooner, and I did, but I never realized to what extent.

In the past few months, I have destroyed and created by just using my words, mostly through feelings. I wasn’t brutal in my destruction, just honest and direct. Through using my words, I was able to get my thoughts out in the open and then I was able to heal. I no longer felt like I had to hide. I also had words thrown at me, which allowed me to let down my walls and trust again.

When I look back, I realize just how much words can change a situation. I know it’s a simple thing, and I probably think this is groundbreaking news because I’m sick, but I find it truly amazing just how powerful we all are when armed with something so common such as speech.

First Steps to Getting Better

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So I ended up going to the doctor today, and got medicine that is working so far… and making me extremely tired. I was able to keep food down, though, so that’s a plus. Sorry if that’s slightly gross, but we’ve all been sick so I feel like it’s okay to give details like that.

I got to have a nice, short call with the one known as “them”, and then I took a short nap. I’m hoping to get rid of whatever bug I have before Easter because there is no way I am skipping out on the food. Having an Italian mother has taught me that holidays are meant for family, friends and tons of food.

I hope everyone had a good day, and that no one has gotten whatever bug is going around.

Just Like That

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I was relaxed, not fully but I was getting there. My allergies are acting up, and I have a headache that’s so painful that it’s becoming difficult to focus.

I have a terrible temper, which I am desperately trying to gain control over. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I’ve been angry for so long, that the smallest things in existence, that most people wouldn’t notice, set me off. My anger isn’t something I’m proud of, but I’m playing the hand I was dealt to the best of my ability.

Due to my anger problem, I get headaches a lot because I tend to think and over-think situations that don’t matter; for some reason, I find the importance in everything that happens around me and sometimes it’s good, but a lot of the times it’s not. I am constantly stressed by myself and I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost the battle to my mind.

I’m tired of being like this.