Tag: people

A Long Day

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Today marked the first of many, as I encountered someone who was a bit unpleasant… At the time, I actually got really upset to the point that I was fighting back tears, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn’t matter and I can’t keep wasting tears on people who aren’t worth it.

Over the past few days, I have dealt with such nice people, whether it’s customers or coworkers, and that’s what I need to focus on. I am very lucky to be working with people who are so understanding, and they make it worthwhile.

All I have to do and keep doing is focus on the good people and it will make working, and living, a lot easier. I know I can do it.

Second Choice

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Do you ever feel like you’re last on someone’s lists of priorities, no matter how many times you’ve dropped everything to make sure they’re okay? Or have you been told, “Well so-and-so couldn’t hang out so I’m free” or “I didn’t have anything better to do, so we can do this”? All of this gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling… that makes my blood boil and my skin crawl.

I’m tired of being picked last for kickball, so I’m going to put myself first. I will be my number 1 priority, and if others have a problem with the fact that I’m not there for them 24/7 anymore, then that’s their problem. Obviously if something is truly wrong, I will offer to help, but I will no longer waste my time hoping that I will be treated the way I treat them.

I have always struggled with dealing with people and making friends, because I always expected human decency. I now know that I can expect human decency, but should only expect to get back about 70-80% of what I give. I have disrespected myself for long enough, so now I’m my top priority.

Deep Breaths

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Last night was really stressful for me, but I’m seeing things in a different light now. I expected respect and slight human decency, but now I know I can’t have that. My standards have now dropped to nothing, and I expect nothing from anyone. Maybe with zero expectations, I won’t be let down anymore.

I will only expect things of myself from now on, because I can control what I do and how I do it. I will strive to make myself happy and that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

 

Back and Forth

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Some days are really good, and then others are like today. I just feel empty and hopeless. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. I know I will get out of this funk at some point, but not knowing when drives me crazy.

I know why I’ve been feeling like this lately, and I don’t know how to make it better. There’s only a few people out there that truly care, and the rest just use me for something they want or as someone to blame. I really hate people sometimes, and I wish I could just escape from the assholes around me.

I just have to make it to the weekend, and then I can sit down and make a plan for dealing with this until I can get out. Until then, I’m going to take a nap and then get some work done.

Balance

Published on by RooLeave a comment

One thing I’m always thinking about is the relationships that we form with those around us. Whether we know each other well, or just make small talk, we make these connections. Relationships are a two-way road, but sometimes one side will give a bit more than the other.

I have started to realize that not everyone will drop everything for someone like I do, nor will they listen and care and try to help on the same level. Sometimes, they will neglect, or even take from me, but I never stop trying until I am pushed too far. Even then, I just take a step back before diving back in. There have been very few times in my life that I have truly given up on someone.

Once thing I’ve noticed with people who can’t give or be bothered trying is that they have problems balancing their relationships and take the easy path by spending most of their time with either a significant other or best friend and let everyone else fall by the wayside. I wouldn’t say they have commitment issues, because they do commit to people on some level, but they seem to pick a choose who they want around and almost expect these people to just be available.

It’s hard for me to understand why they do this, but I tend to attract these kinds of people the most. Maybe it’s because of my age, and deep connections at this point are few and far between, or maybe I just think I’m closer with the person than I really am and I just end up getting hurt. Whatever it is, maybe I should take a note from them. Maybe I should just pick and choose on a daily basis who I want to spend time with and drop everyone else. I can’t do that, though. It’s not who I am.

I wish navigating people was easier, and it probably will be as I get older, it would just be nice if they could hand out a memo before kicking me to the curb until they’re ready to hang out again. I just feel like a backup at this point, and I refuse to be anyone’s backup.

Bottled Up

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Have you ever experienced having a thought or making a suggestion and being shutdown, only to have that same idea and thought regurgitated by someone else and everyone thinks it’s great? Yeah, me too. Don’t you just wish you could smack those people right between the eyes?

If it wasn’t apparent, this truly pisses me off. It actually makes my blood boil and I start clawing at my palms. I can’t stand when people turn up their noses to my ideas, just to think it’s a good idea later on and actually suggest it to others. It’s just disrespectful and kind of fucked up. I understand that opinions change over time, but don’t sit there and act like you came up with this great, original plan all on your own.

This is why I keep to myself a lot of the time. I’m tired of being treated like I’m beneath others, and that my thoughts and ideas aren’t valid. I don’t need validation from anyone, but I hate this high school bullshit.

Thankfully, it’s Friday and I can just relax and take the weekend to calm down. I just need to focus on my work, school and the handful of decent people in my life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, and don’t let people shut you down. You are amazing and you should own your thoughts. If others are going to disrespect you, shove them aside. It’s just one less birthday card.

An Open Letter

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Sitting here alone, I’m thinking about every single person I’ve come across in life. I’m thinking about all those that hurt me, and those that push me to the point of trying to take my own life. I still carry the pain, and my body and mind will forever be scarred.

I wonder what it would be like if I could disappear for a while — just fall off the face of the Earth for a few days. I wouldn’t, though. I couldn’t do that to the people who truly care about me or the people who want me gone. I love the ones that are close to me, and I would never let those who hate me win.

I have come too far and have done too much to stop fighting. I am lost, yes, but I can’t stop going. At this point, I’m on autopilot and there’s only one person that drive me to keep trying. I know it will get better, it’s just getting to that point that’s a pain in the ass.

 

Giving Up

Published on by RooLeave a comment

Do you ever have those people in your life that are so blind, that your only two options to deal with them are to either keep putting up with their shit or give up because you can’t put up with it anymore? I have too many of these people.

Normally when people give up on something, it’s seen as a defeat. When I give up, I feel like a failure or a loser, but I have come to the realization that it’s not my fault. I can only control what I do and who I am, and I try my best everyday. The people who are closest to me know I try. If someone comes into my life and can only see me as a bad person, then I give up on them.

I don’t see giving up in this situation as a bad thing. I didn’t fail, and I’m not a loser. I will not kick myself for trying, because that’s all I can do. I still wake up everyday and I do my best to get done what I need and want to. I am not a bad person, nor will I continue to see myself as one because others see me that way.

I feel slightly relieved, but also sad. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that I’m a good person and not some monster. I am a bitch, and a wicked one at that, but I’m not the ball of evil that I was made out to be.

The Next Chapter

Published on by RooLeave a comment

I was struggling today, and have been for a while, but something happened that actually gave me the push I needed and now I have my drive back.

I received an email from someone who read my blog, and they told me that I inspired them to start a blog of their own. I started shaking and almost cried. That made me so happy to read. I am over the moon and I hope this beautiful person has a wonderful journey with their blog.

I am no longer doing this for just myself, but for everyone that comes across this place, whether they just stop by or take off their jacket and stay for a while. I’m going to start streaming and making videos, as well as just putting myself out there and having fun.

Life can be really rough sometimes, but the small things make it worth it. I never thought I would get any of the comments I’ve gotten, or that email; I just broke 60 followers and I couldn’t even imagine the day that I would have 10 followers. I want to thank you guys for inspiring me to keep going. I am so grateful for each and every single one of you. I truly feel like I have a voice and I’m heard.

Growing Up

Published on by RooLeave a comment

As of late, every other post I see on Facebook is about someone settling down. Everyone is getting married, and I’m sitting in my pajamas on Skype. Over the past few days, I realized that I’m at the age where this is actually normal and not shocking news anymore. I never thought I would see the age of marriage and children, but I’m slowly approaching that time myself.

I honestly don’t understand it. I mean, I want to get married at some point, but not this very minute. I don’t have a set age that I think is good for starting a family, but I barely know who I’m going to be next year so how am I supposed to be prepared for a ring and a new last name at this age?

I’m not saying anyone at this age shouldn’t get married, it just shocks me that I’m getting older and the world isn’t slowing down for anything. I truly believe I found the one, but I’m not going to race down to the nearest chapel. I think this point in life is about growing and finding yourself with someone before deciding to settle down.

I guess I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I don’t like being an adult and I definitely don’t want to grow up anymore. I just want to be a kid and play video games and take naps… which is what I do with the addition of work and school.

I’ll have a ring someday, but I know he’s worth waiting for and I’m happy.