Tag: moving forward

Self-Destructive Personalities

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Yesterday, I was hurt. I took some time to think about it, and I tried to push the feelings away, but I can’t. Someone that I thought was a friend, someone who I could trust, turned out to be just another asshole.

Me and my friends are assholes, it’s why we get along so well. We completely tear each other down, but with love. We know when we’ve reached a line and we don’t cross it. This person, however, went pretty far over the line and just thinking about some of the things they said makes me have to force back tears.

I constantly battle between being cold and strong, and being sensitive and crying it out. As I sit here writing this, I feel empty but still want to break down into my pillow with all the lights out. To receive such judgement from someone I thought would understand set me back, and now I have to push forward again.

Their behavior started out as self-destructive, then morphed into being just destructive. There was no way to disarm them, because any attempt would only fuel the fire.

Until I’m stronger and can truly face the situation with very little emotion, I can’t have people like that in my life.

Keeping it Under Wraps

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Sometimes it’s hard to look forward. We can’t see past what’s happened before and we try desperately to be in the moment. The fact of the matter is that the future, second by second, is coming and going at a constant speed and we can’t stop it. We sit and plan out our lives and daydream about everything we want to do. In some aspects we do have some input as to where we’ll end up, but for the most part we don’t; we need to try to gain the ability to accept that even though the unknown is scary, it’s quite beautiful.

For a while, my initial plan for life was to rough it on my own. I was going to move to Seattle, invest in a few apartments and once I had enough money, I would go to a sperm bank and make a family for myself. If someone came along and wanted to be apart of it, they could. I wanted to have this all done by 25. Recently, my plans got completely turned upside down. I’m going to be 23 in July, I still live at home and I’m a student. I also know that I will not be going at this alone.

I never thought I would be here, with someone and have so many opportunities. This wasn’t apart of my master plan, but I am so happy that dream got demolished and replaced with this one.

Eventually, I will write about my new plan for life, but I want to keep this dream to myself for a bit longer. I’m still in shock about the whole thing, and it amazes me to the point that just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes (good tears, I assure you).

Sometimes keeping things a secret can be hard, but this has been the easiest thing to ever happen to me,

Silver Lining

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I was woken up from my nap at 3:40 PM to get some not-so-good news. Once again, the person who was going to be my new therapist cancelled on me only a few hours before the appointment because he just now realized that he didn’t take my insurance. I would have been able to accept this news a bit easier if my first appointment wasn’t pushed back a month and if he sounded even a bit sympathetic.

When I get stressed or upset about something I can’t control, I turn to music. So I turned on my computer and started jumping from song to song. As I was having my own solo dance party, I decided to check my blog and I saw something that I didn’t think I would see for a very long time… I reached 50 followers!

I have been doing this since December 31, and I am still amazed at how many people have enjoyed my content and have taken the time to follow me. Thank you all so much for giving me the drive to keep going and to have confidence in myself. It truly means the world to me.

Making Things Weird

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This morning, I decided to go back to my first Facebook status. What a mistake that was! It was 2009 and I was 13 years old. I had nothing but a bright future and my ability to make any situation awkward. Throughout the years, I have only perfected the art of being socially awkward.

Every situation I encounter is met with me listing of random facts, asking rhetorical questions and pretty much making a fool out of myself. The good thing is that I’m also able to laugh at myself, which makes a lot of my social interactions move a lot smoother.

I truly used to hate how uncomfortable I used to make everything, but now I embrace it. I’m weird, and so is everyone else. I enjoy that I’m slightly off, and occasionally in rare form. I love telling stupid jokes that get pity laugh and half-assed smiles. Almost every good memory I have includes me doing something quirky or obscure.

I’m finally starting to accept myself, bit by bit.

Love

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When I was in 9th grade, my English teacher assigned the class to define love. Me being the edgy teenager that I was thought love was a waste of time, and wrote about how it was pretty much the stupidest thing.

Then I saw Friends: The One with the Prom Video….

lobster

I had seen the episode before, but for some reason, it spoke to me. Love wasn’t stupid or outrageous, it was just hard to find. I then realized that my definition wasn’t exactly right.

Love is one of those things that the definition is different from person to person. There is no right or wrong answer to the question “What is love?” Most of the time, it can’t even be described.

 

Growing Stronger

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Today, I wrote about two people who mean the world to me and how they kept me growing. What I didn’t mention is the strength they gave me and how much they helped me realize how strong I truly am.

I never thought of myself as strong, rather as someone who needed to be tough. What I’ve learned, though, is that being strong doesn’t mean standing alone and taking on the world by yourself. Everyone needs someone, whether it be for a laugh or a hug. We learn how to deal with what’s thrown at us from watching and interacting with others.

These two wonderful people, as well as others in my life, have helped me reach the conclusion that I am strong, I have potential and that I can make it in this world. Best of all, I never have to walk alone.

Batter Up

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In our day-to-day lives, we are presented with endless situations that we need to face. What do we do, though, when it’s a situation that affects us but we’re not directly involved? Do we let it go, or do we try to make sense of it in our minds? What questions can we ask, and how much do we actually want to know?

I find that it’s best to be honest and direct. I also find that it’s bad to let it build up and then have it spill over. It can be hard to confront someone, but I find it helps to count to three and then just say it.

With that being said, I am still extremely happy and love where I’m at.

Looking Back

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While I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write about, I went back to my poetry blog, Writing In the Street. I read a few of my pieces out loud before returning to the dilemma of figuring out what to write. That’s when a certain someone suggested that I write about my old work.

I started writing poetry and short stories when I was 14 years old, and I never stopped. I used to hate writing, truly hate it. Then, I met my 9th grade English teacher, Mr. Z. Not only was he passionate about English and teaching, he instilled his passion into me. He’s the reason I started writing, and I can never thank him enough.

I stopped writing for a while; I became extremely critical of and discouraged by my work, but that’s all changed. I got my inspiration back, and found a new muse. I’m really happy that I’m getting back into writing, especially with them by my side.

Take a Breath

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As my day comes to an end, I realize that it’s just the beginning. I spent the entire day smiling, which I haven’t done in a while. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel, and it’s so amazing and refreshing.

I thought for a long time that I was quickly reaching the end of my story, only to realize that it was just the end of a chapter. I feel better about everything, and I’m not as angry anymore. I’m happy I allowed myself a second chance, and I’m not letting it get away from me this time.

I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and knows how special they are. If you don’t have anyone to tell you that they love you tonight, then I will do it.

I love you, and I hope you have amazing dreams. You’re special and perfect, and only you can be you.

Goodnight!

Fate

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Sometimes when I sit down to write, I feel like Carrie from Sex and the City. I type and erase, think about Big for 6 seasons and dream about that beautiful walk-in closet. I don’t need some glamorous closet, or brunch with the girls. I just need Big.

Since life isn’t a TV show, though there have been some pretty unbelievable things happen in my life, there isn’t a script. We write our own story, cut away to memories with friends and family, and create our own laugh track.

As I sit here writing, I’m also fixing my path. I figured I was going to be one of those women who did it all on her own, but that’s all changed. I have some really great people in my life, and I can’t do it without them. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, and I’m happy I stuck it out.

Life has a funny way of butting in, and now everything that has happened – every step and experience – makes sense.