Tag: feelings

Words

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Words can be very powerful. They can lift someone up, or tear them down. They convey information and can tell stories. We use words everyday in conversations and writing. I recently had the realization that my words have made an impact. This is probably something I should have realized way sooner, and I did, but I never realized to what extent.

In the past few months, I have destroyed and created by just using my words, mostly through feelings. I wasn’t brutal in my destruction, just honest and direct. Through using my words, I was able to get my thoughts out in the open and then I was able to heal. I no longer felt like I had to hide. I also had words thrown at me, which allowed me to let down my walls and trust again.

When I look back, I realize just how much words can change a situation. I know it’s a simple thing, and I probably think this is groundbreaking news because I’m sick, but I find it truly amazing just how powerful we all are when armed with something so common such as speech.

Train of Thought

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In life, there are surprises, big and small, every single day. These surprises fall into three categories: good, neutral and bad. Every day for me, like many, I get the added twists that come with depression and anxiety. Today was no exception.

I was fine and just relaxing, and then it hit me. I was getting so angry that my body temperature was rising and my skin felt like it was crawling. I had no idea what caused it. I was literally sitting there in a call having a decent time. So I left the call and sat in silence… which was a mistake.

With depression and anxiety, you should rarely be alone with your thoughts, especially when there’s no obvious trigger. I lied on my bed and just thought about everything. My mind was doing back flips, getting a kick out of trying to drag me deeper into my solitude.

One of the only things that helps now is that I’m aware of how my brain works, the next step is figuring out how to successfully combat the thought process and win this agonizing game of chess.

Opinions

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Opinions are great things. They have the power to bring like-minded people together, but it can also push people apart. I have many opinions that I tend not to share as to avoid causing any problems or confrontation. Unfortunately, some people feel that they not only need to share their opinions, but push their thoughts as if they were facts.

I have no problem with people speaking their minds, everyone does it. What I don’t appreciate is when people either tell me that my opinions are wrong, or when they try to force their thoughts on me. I’m all for freedom of speech, and I will defend everyone’s right to speaking freely, even if I don’t agree with them. It’s not a matter of taking away that right or freedom, rather the lack of respect when doing so that I would like to eliminate.

This weekend, the subject of political views came into the spotlight. Not mine, but someone who I’m very close to. They basically said that they hoped he wasn’t a Conservative. Now, for the record, he is not, but what if he was? He has the right to be one. People shouldn’t be judged on whether or they’re a good or bad person based on being either a Conservative or a Liberal.

A good person is good, and a bad person is bad. With that being said, “good” and “bad” are subjective; I know that I like to think of myself as a good person, and I am also aware of the fact that there are plenty of people out there that think I’m a complete asshole.

We sit here and preach acceptance and equality, until someone with a different opinion comes along. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I am 100% guilty to telling someone with a different opinion to mine that they’re wrong. We, as people, are flawed.

I think once everyone truly accepts the fact that everyone thinks differently, it will solve a lot of problems… but that’s just my opinion.

Them

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Everyday, I spend my mornings in calls with people I enjoy. Sometimes it’s one-on-one, and other times it’s like a Party Line. I normally have one of two rolls: listening as everyone else talks, or carrying the conversation with stupid comments and bad jokes.

There’s one person in particular that I always listen to. This person I would give up my life if it meant they would smile for a moment. All I want to do is go on adventures with them, and hold them when they’re sad. Making them laugh is my greatest accomplishment in life, only next to going back to school. The only selfish thing I do to this person is that I plan on keeping them, because I don’t know what I would do without them.

They make me feel safe, and that I will never be alone again. They’re proud of me, and not ashamed to show me off to their friends. They celebrate my accomplishments with me, and comfort me when I’m sad. Most importantly, they make me feel like I’m home.

They are my home.

Just Like That

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I was relaxed, not fully but I was getting there. My allergies are acting up, and I have a headache that’s so painful that it’s becoming difficult to focus.

I have a terrible temper, which I am desperately trying to gain control over. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I’ve been angry for so long, that the smallest things in existence, that most people wouldn’t notice, set me off. My anger isn’t something I’m proud of, but I’m playing the hand I was dealt to the best of my ability.

Due to my anger problem, I get headaches a lot because I tend to think and over-think situations that don’t matter; for some reason, I find the importance in everything that happens around me and sometimes it’s good, but a lot of the times it’s not. I am constantly stressed by myself and I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost the battle to my mind.

I’m tired of being like this.

The Decision

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In my last post, I talked about the ongoing war of emotions I face and the decision I had to make. Well, I made one. Unfortunately, it’s not the happiest of options.

I have decided that everyone who is truly close to me I will care about, but everyone else I will shutdown for. I no longer have the energy to care about or trust people I don’t know or care to know, nor do I want the hassle of their problems.

Eventually, when I’m not a cyclone of feelings, I will start to let new people in, but I am too tired to keep putting energy towards those who won’t put any towards me.

It’s Tiring

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I can’t stop yawning, and I keeping doing the wrong thing, even when my intentions are good. My emotions are draining all of my energy and I don’t know what to do.

My first mistake was lowering my gates and thinning out my thick skin. I can be warm and caring, or a frigid bitch. Some people can switch off their emotions when they please. When I turn mine off, it’s very difficult for me to turn them back on and could end in complete isolation.

I now have to make a decision: continue to let my emotions to drain me and deal with the repercussions from them, or to turn them off completely and deal with those repercussions.

Reflecting

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I have a bad habit of checking my Facebook memories every day, wanting to see what the Paige of the past was up to. Today, I saw a status I was tagged in 7 years ago. At first, I was happy because I remember the day perfectly, but then I started to feel sad.

I moved a lot throughout my life. I went from New York to New Jersey to North Carolina to California to Nevada to Pennsylvania. With all the moving around, I thought I would get used to change and new faces, but it really doesn’t get easier. I’ve been in PA for about 8 years now and, as much as I hated high school and a majority of the people in my school with a passion, I miss the people I was once close with.

There have been days where I wanted to reach out to them and try to reconnect, but my fear of rejection holds me back from doing so. I would rather leave it in the past and have fond memories of the adventures we went on, and the laughs we shared. Each relationship ran its course, and I still have a special place in my heart for almost every single person I’ve encountered.

In life, all we can do is go forward; holding onto the past and trying to recreate it only ends up hurting. If you’re supposed to reconnect with those from another time, it will happen, just don’t force it.

The Uphill Battle Continues

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I have depression, anxiety and a cocktail of assorted other mental problems. I’ve spoken about my struggles, as well as my progress with them in previous posts. This week has just been a comedy of errors.

I have been going to therapy for probably 2.5 years, and I didn’t take much away from it, but I had someone to talk to, which helped a ton. Through talking to someone who wasn’t directly involved, I gained footing on my life and was able to work through a lot of my issues.

On Monday, I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist because my previous one retired. I wasn’t to thrilled about opening up to someone new, but I was willing to give it a shot. Due to miscommunication about insurance, I had to cancel my appointment only a couple of hours beforehand because he called me and told me he didn’t take my insurance.

Throughout my life, I have been made to feel guilty for things that either weren’t my fault or that I had no control over. Now, I sit here, feeling a combination of guilt and like I was given up on (even though that’s not the case). I can’t help but to feel hurt by this, and it actually pisses me off that I’m upset about this.

Today, I get to spend it playing phone tag with various clinics and offices in an attempt to find a new therapist or psychiatrist. Here’s hoping I will be able to get somewhere on my journey.

Rebuilding

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After a long internal battle of taking a blame for what happened and trying to convince myself that I had no control over the situation, I realized that I needed to just cut my losses and move on because there’s truly nothing I can do.

Right now, I just feel blank. I’m not happy or sad, I’m just here. I’m just hoping that I will be in a better mood come sunrise.