Tag: anxiety

Another Bullet Journal

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As I continue on my path to bettering myself, I am starting to get mentally cluttered. When I was cleaning up my room, I came across my collection of notebooks (some brand new, others with only a few pages used). I have decided that since I have so many notebooks, that every section of this project will be getting its own journal. The main one is a general one for my blog, then the rest will be for fitness, life, makeup/nails, a habit tracker, etc.

Today has already dealt me a panic attack, so I will first be trying to calm down. After that, I will be catching up on my work and tackling the project of creating a library of bullet journals. Hopefully I will calm down soon so I can’t get some work done, but I’m not going to try to force it.

My mind is blank and racing at the same time, so this post will be kept short. I’m still hoping that this day will turn out alright, so I guess all I can do for now is wait and see.

A Step in the Right Direction

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On January 29, 2018, Paige put a white board on her wall! Not just any white board… a white board with her new routine on it! I probably woke up an hour ago, but my sleep schedule will eventually get better as I follow this routine. I’m not too worried about getting my sleep on track just yet, I just want to have a set of tasks for each day.

On Saturday, I got to see my second cousin, second cousin-in-law, and I finally got to meet my adorable third cousins! It was really fun and I can’t wait to see them again. Sunday, unfortunately, my depression and anxiety went into high gear and I slept all day. I am still a bit shaky and out of it right now, but I’m going to try to work through it.

Back to the board… I have listed everything that I need to do, and things I need to remember to do throughout the day and the week. I will try to set up a habit tracker today, but that’s not exactly at the top of my list.

After I get back from lunch, I will be settling down and getting to work. Since I woke up late, I don’t think I will be able to do a decent amount of work and get 16 lessons done in school, but I will try!

Even though my nerves are shot and my mind is in a million different places, I’m proud of myself. Just putting the board up on my wall is an achievement for me, and I need to remember that every little thing I get done is good.

The Final Draft

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I had a productive day… in the sense that it wasn’t very productive at all! I walked around the house and thought about everything I need to do during the day, while I also neglect most of those things.

I start a bunch of projects, and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing. From there, I get anxiety because nothing is getting done, and I get depressed; it’s a fucked up domino effect that needs to change. I feel like I’m lost in a sea of to-do’s and I’m either going to sink or swim… so I’ll try swimming!

When I started Rooplixoo, it was for the sole purpose of getting through all my makeup. Now, it’s taken on a mind of its own because I keep adding new goals. New goals are never a problem, except when they start to stack up and you end up watching 10 hours of videos and reach the end of the day feeling empty. I’m putting my foot down, because what I’m doing isn’t working anymore.

When I was younger, my mom created this beautiful board titled “The Eye Chart”. I am legally blind in my left eye, so when I was younger, the doctors told my parents that I had to wear these stick on eye patches and do exercises to strengthen the vision in my left eye. Now, not much has changed in the sense that I am a stubborn, pain-in-the-ass that marches to a different beat, but I do enjoy rewards and prizes. My mom created this chart and at the end of each week, I would get a prize. I think I got through about 2 weeks before it was retired, but I still continued to fill in all the days with stickers!

I will probably be up all night because I took a nap today, so tonight I will be putting my board together and working. Up above is a draft of what will go on the board. I have started so many things, that I need to remind myself to brush my teeth! I’m not proud of that, but the first step is admitting there’s a problem! I feel if I can get myself on a schedule and stick to it, I will either start to feel better or be so distracted that I won’t have time to feel bad.

I know it’s impossible to plan out every single day and have a perfect routine, but if I nail it at least 4 days out of the week, I’ll be beyond proud of myself. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. If I have to basically recreate The Eye Chart and reward myself for being a functional human being to get on track, then so be it!

Here’s to yet another new beginning!

Losing Momentum

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Yesterday was an experience that I never want to have again. I am allergic to something in that makeup bag, so I can’t do my makeup while I’m here until I get better makeup.

I get very panicky when I go somewhere, even if it’s just for a few days. This time, I forgot my notebook for school and I didn’t bring enough work with me to truly utilize my time. The good thing is that I remembered to bring my laptop and the charging cable, so I can still write on this blog.

In the past, I’ve tried using lists so I remember everything I need to bring with me, but that never worked because I would always forget to put something on the list. My boyfriend has sat in calls with me multiple times asking me if I had everything I needed, and I still fell short. I try to prepare ahead of time, but I’m starting to realize that I just have to go with the flow and try not to worry when I leave something behind.

Since I don’t know what I’m doing today, I guess I’ll start working soon and go from there. The only exciting thing about not knowing what I’m doing is that the second post for today will be a surprise!

Into the Weekend

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I had a good Friday. I got everything together to set up a daily routine and actually started planning it out! From watching videos to reading articles on how to stick to a schedule, I finally know how I’m going to go about this.

Tonight will be spent creating my daily routine board which will hang on the wall by my stairs. It will be extremely details, listing everything I need to do. From brushing my teeth to blogging and everything in between, there will be a place for it on my board! Now, why does a 22 year-old need a reminded for brushing her teeth? I don’t, but to stay organized throughout my day, it needs to be on the board.

This board is probably going to be a mess of extensive color-coding and miscellaneous tasks, but that’s what I need to stay on track. I have come to the conclusion that I have taken on way to many things and I have started to become overwhelmed. I know I can get everything done that I need to get done, I just need to organize it right.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and relaxing weekend. I will be spending mine finishing off my routine board and sprucing up the website! I can’t wait to come back Monday refreshed and ready to go!

A Day Off

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Today, I will not be doing my nails or makeup, or doing work of any kind. I won’t be taking pictures, or planning out my days for the next 6 months. Today, I need to step back and take a day to do absolutely nothing. Before going any further, I would like to say that there is happiness in this post, just bear with me.

In previous posts, I have mentioned my depression and anxiety. I would like to delve a bit further into them in this post. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 13 years, and the mood swing and anger issues that tag along with those.

I find that when I read about depression or anxiety, it’s very textbook and there is barely any emotion behind it. I would like to shed some light on my experiences. Depression and anxiety are, to put it simply, wicked bitches. They’re the girls in high school that get you in trouble, or a long night drinking followed by a day-long hangover and a missing wallet.

My depression comes in waves, whereas my anxiety is always lurking. I have learned to use my anxiety as a way to become more cautious, and to observe everything around me. Depression, on the other hand, I can’t control. Ignoring it just represses it, and accepting it pushes me further down the hole. So how do I deal with this?

Well, I fill my day with the most pointless and meaningful tasks. Keeping busy allows me to work through my depression subconsciously. Not only do I get things done, I start to feel better. I know I said that I won’t be doing a single thing today, but it’s the nothing that I do that will make me feel better. Watching hours of videos and playing phone games and just spacing out.

As sad as I am right now, I know that I am strong enough to get through it, like I always do. So, I’m going to plop myself down with a bag of chips and phone and just be. I know there are plenty of people out there who are going through the same thing, and I hope you all know that it’s okay to just do nothing. There are always more days ahead, and one day won’t be the end of the world. You are your own best friend and enemy. Take the day to learn about yourself, take yourself on a date, talk to yourself and, most importantly, try to be good to yourself.

I know this was a long post, but I feel like it needed to be written. If anyone that sees this needs someone to talk to, please use the contact form or comment. I always have my blog and email open, and will respond as soon as I get anything. You are not alone and I really hate when people tell me this, but it can get better (trust me, I want to punch myself in the face for saying that).

Getting Personal

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For the past few days, I will get up early, stay up for a while and then pass out until the late afternoon. Not the greatest thing for trying to maintain a schedule. At first I thought I was getting sick, or I’m just extremely tired because it’s getting dark out earlier. Both of these things could be working together to make me tired, but I finally figured out what it is. Depression.

I have been dealing with depression and other mental problems since I was 10 years old. The list includes:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • ADD/ADHD

These three things are very common and, from my understanding, each one can cause the other. Unfortunately, I don’t know which one is the ring leader. I have been in therapy for a couple of years, and on waiting lists for a couple of psychiatrists for months now.

I have tried everything from meditation to hemp oil, as well as a cocktail of medication. Nothing except for my anti-anxiety pills have worked. I have chemical and trauma-based depression, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and combined ADD/ADHD. All of my problems are very common, and many people have told me it’s because I’m young. I hope they’re right but I doubt they are. I think as I get older, I will have a better grasp on coping mechanisms, which in turn will help me avoid sleeping all day and feeling alone.

I have been told I chose to be this way, and that I can stop whenever I want to. I wish I could stop. I wish I could flip a switch and all my thoughts would be happy, and that I wouldn’t feel like a failure. All these things take time to get better, but I still don’t believe that I have all of this because I’m young.

This isn’t my first project, but I feel like I can open up and get somewhere in my life with this one. The fact that I sat down and did a full face of makeup the other day was a huge accomplishment. I have held myself responsible for this blog, and I won’t let it die. I have put a lot of time into it, and I don’t want to add another project to my incomplete list.

I’m forcing myself now to snap out of this mindset by keeping busy, and it’s the best I can do right now. I know once I have a full schedule, I won’t have time to sleep all day. I want to be happy and enjoy the small things.