Tag: anxiety

Same Story, Different Plan

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I’ve been through this before, but it’s going to be different. I can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. I can no longer expect people to change, so I’m going to need to make the changes.

It’s been a long day for me, going back and forth on what I should do, but it all boils down to that I need to do what’s best for me.

Tomorrow I will have longer posts and pictures, but this is all for now. The past few days have been rough and I wasn’t in the mindset to put out long posts today. I hope everyone has a wonderful night and I will see you guys tomorrow!

Blondes Have More Fun

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The first step of changing my hair has been taken! I covered my head in bleach and now I’m blonde (again)! I won’t be for long, though, for tomorrow I will be adding the mystery color! The only thing I can say is that I’ve had this color before and I’m very excited to revisit it.

I’ve truly missed the art of dyeing my hair, and I’m happy that I’m back at it! I find it strangely relaxing, and with my anxiety, I could stand to do more things that relax me. I’m not going to lie and say I have the toughest life, but I tend to get overwhelmed which causes me to stress about everything.

Outside of bleaching my hair, I got to spend the entire day with my lovely mom! We went to breakfast and just hung out. I love spending time with my mom, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I hope everyone had a great start to their week, and here’s to surviving Monday!

A Rose by any Other Name

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This morning I was going through my photos and reliving a lot of memories – some good, some bad. While going through all of these pictures, I got to see how much I’ve grown over the past few years… and how many times I changed my hair color.

I ended up seeing pictures from a lot of the darker days I had, followed by my brighter ones. Having the years laid out that way showed me that I have gotten through so much already and that I will continue to.

I’m not as fragile as I think I am, nor am I weak for having the feelings that I have. I need to start giving myself more credit and, once I do, I will be able to wake up every morning and know that everything will be okay.

A Secret Project

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This weekend, I decided to start working on my secret plan. I had a lot happen and the only thing that will really help is a secret project. I am honestly feeling extremely lost, but I hope that this will get me through it all.

My weekend consisted of laughing, crying, sleeping and watching too many videos. It was probably one of the roughest weekends I’ve had in a while, but I survived and that’s what matters.

I honestly don’t know what I will be doing outside of this mystery project, but everything will be okay. I hope by the end of the day, I will know everything I need to do and how to handle the things I don’t want to do.

Rewind and Unwind

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Sometimes, it’s good to go back to a simpler time. For me, that meant making a  terrible blanket fort, cookies and watching YouTube videos. I have been very stressed lately, to the point that it was causing physical pain and I needed to try to contain it before it got out of hand.

At the end of the day, I am out of cookies and almost out of stress. I am amazed how much something so simple helped so much. I think from now on, every Friday will be Blanket Fort Day. If I can do something that alleviates some of my emotional pains, I will.

Overall, my Friday was very relaxing and I’m happy I made my shitty, one-blanket blanket fort. I cried a lot, but it was such a relief to let all of that pain out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to keep hiding how I feel, especially my anger and sadness.

I hope to get a lot of work done this weekend, as my to-do list just keeps growing and I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m going to get things in order and work through it all.

At the End of the Day

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At the end of the day, the sun sets and everyone gets settled in for the night. They night pray or send goodnight texts to their loved ones. I don’t. I say goodnight to my mother and I head up to my room where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I watch videos or talk to people, but I mostly just stay in bed thinking.

Last night I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. As of late, I gave up on my plans and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing outside of working and this. I don’t know what I want anymore, and I feel lost. I’m trying to stay positive and think about the quiet snowfall I witnessed the other morning, but I’m torn inside about what to do.

Whether it’s my depression talking or this is how I truly feel, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay focused on what I need to do but I’m struggling more and more. It could be the weather and I’m not getting enough sunlight, or maybe it’s something I’ve yet to realize. All I know is that I need to figure it out and keep it from eating me alive before I know what it is.

Depression, in short, is a fickle bitch. I’m starting to fight back, but it’s a long battle ahead. I just need to focus on the end goal and that everything has to get better.

Perspective

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The other morning, I ended up going outside to take pictures of the snow for my friends. I haven’t enjoy the snow in years, mostly because I can’t stand the cold, but it was different. Everything was quiet, and there were no bunny prints on the ground. All I could hear was me. It was like I was completely alone.

There are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I normally enjoy it, but this was amazing. I finally saw just how beautiful being alone can be. I was standing outside in my pajamas and I didn’t feel cold. It was like it was my time to just be. I am alone a majority of the day, but I know there are people around. There was nothing, and it reminded me of why I became a night owl in the first place: I enjoy the silence.

Depression and anxiety make it very hard for me to enjoy things in my life, but in that moment I was there instead of millions miles away thinking about how I fucked up on that math test in 3rd grade or that random woman who glared at me in the mall back in high school. I was just watching snow fall at 5 AM, and it was all mine.

It was truly amazing, and I hope that everyone can experience that. I finally feel like I can control my thoughts. Will I always want to? No, but I have the option to and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wasn’t angry, sad, excited or happy, I was just there. I can’t stand getting up that early, but if I’m up, I might step outside and see if I can recreate what I felt.

I’m nowhere near being 100% okay, but I don’t think anyone is. All I know is that even when my battle is at its worse, I can just be. I am still extremely sad and feel an emptiness that is more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced, but at that moment I felt like I had something to cling onto.

I’m out of whack, and probably will be for a while, but this is the first time I can say that I will survive again.

Twists and Turns

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Life has many ups and downs no matter who you are. Every single one of us handles situations differently and each situation allows us to learn and grow. Sadly, I learned a very hard lesson over the past few days. I learned that trust is fragile, and not always forever.

Due to my experiences in life, I have become a very cautious person, only letting a few people in at a time. I have a difficult time trusting people, but when I finally open up, it feels like I can be myself. Unfortunately, I have to start over now.

Maybe I trusted too soon or too much, or maybe my expectations are too high. All I know right now is that I’m hurt and numb; I truly feel like I’m shutting down emotionally. I’m going to try to distract myself over the next few days in hopes that I can work through it and get back on track.

I feel dull, almost drunk on exhaustion. I hate feeling this way, so I’m only going to let myself feel down for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day, and I will try to make the best of it.

I’m sorry that this post and the last post aren’t happy or exciting, but I didn’t know what else to write about except how I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s good to get it all out on paper.

A Relaxing Friday

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It was freezing outside, so it was the perfect day to stay in my pajamas and do nothing. I slept until noon and then took a nap at around 3 PM. It was nice to literally do nothing all day. I did, however, have a ton of ideas for the site which I will be working on all weekend… once I draw them up.

I’m looking forward to the weekend; I pretty much have everything planned out, all I need to do is finalize some of the details and I’ll be ready to go. I have also decided that Thursdays will be my day of from exercising, so I’ll have even more things to do this weekend.

Other than sleeping, planning and eating popcorn, nothing else got really happened. I needed a nothing day. I think everyone does every once in a while. I’m surprised that my anxiety didn’t kick in about nothing getting done, but I’m not going to question it!

I hope everyone had a great Friday and an enjoyable weekend!