This day has been pretty good so far, except for the snow piling up outside! I had leftover Chinese food for breakfast, and I’m currently in a call with some pretty cool people. I’m hoping to get some school work done today, but that won’t be until later.
Hopefully, the snow won’t get to the point of knocking out the internet… kind of need that for everything I do. It doesn’t look like the snow is going to let up any time soon, so all I can do is keep working until I can’t.
In my last post, I talked about the ongoing war of emotions I face and the decision I had to make. Well, I made one. Unfortunately, it’s not the happiest of options.
I have decided that everyone who is truly close to me I will care about, but everyone else I will shutdown for. I no longer have the energy to care about or trust people I don’t know or care to know, nor do I want the hassle of their problems.
Eventually, when I’m not a cyclone of feelings, I will start to let new people in, but I am too tired to keep putting energy towards those who won’t put any towards me.
I can’t stop yawning, and I keeping doing the wrong thing, even when my intentions are good. My emotions are draining all of my energy and I don’t know what to do.
My first mistake was lowering my gates and thinning out my thick skin. I can be warm and caring, or a frigid bitch. Some people can switch off their emotions when they please. When I turn mine off, it’s very difficult for me to turn them back on and could end in complete isolation.
I now have to make a decision: continue to let my emotions to drain me and deal with the repercussions from them, or to turn them off completely and deal with those repercussions.
I have always taken naps during the day, and been able to sleep at night. I have also been able to stay up for days at a time without skipping a beat. I can change my sleep pattern with a snap of my fingers, as well as being able to survive on 4 hours of sleep a night.
Over the past few days, I have been extremely tired, to the point of only being able to stay up for a couple of hours at a time before being so exhausted that I need to take a nap. I don’t know if it’s from the fall I took last month, if I’m sick or if it’s my stress/depression.
I had a fever on Sunday, but my stress has caused fevers so I can’t say for sure that I have the flu or a cold. I have also felt weak and slightly dizzy. Unfortunately for me, my symptoms could be from all three so the only thing I can do that I know will help is sleep.
Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stop playing games until 2 AM, or maybe I’m finally catching up on my sleep after all these years. I just hope I go back to my normal sleep routine soon.
This weekend, something very special happened. I got to celebrate a year of friendship with my two best friends in the world. We knew each other for a bit longer than a year, but we didn’t make it Facebook official until a year ago.
Like any other call, we spent it playing games and telling bad jokes. It was a perfect night with perfect people. I am truly happy I have these two in my life, and I hope that never changes.
Happy Monday everyone!
You don’t know this yet, but I love you. From the way that you smile when you get nervous, to the endless dreams we share with each other. It warms my heart to just be in your presence. Your eyes give me hope, and your voice eases me.
You don’t know this yet, but I am head over heels for the future – our future. All the small things we will get to do together, and the countless adventures we will go on. I am so nervous about it, but having you by my side gives me the ability to stand tall.
You don’t know this, but I always have and will fight for you. No battle is too great as long as I have you. No matter what happens, I will do my best to protect you.
You don’t know this yet, but you are me, and I am you.
I have a bad habit of checking my Facebook memories every day, wanting to see what the Paige of the past was up to. Today, I saw a status I was tagged in 7 years ago. At first, I was happy because I remember the day perfectly, but then I started to feel sad.
I moved a lot throughout my life. I went from New York to New Jersey to North Carolina to California to Nevada to Pennsylvania. With all the moving around, I thought I would get used to change and new faces, but it really doesn’t get easier. I’ve been in PA for about 8 years now and, as much as I hated high school and a majority of the people in my school with a passion, I miss the people I was once close with.
There have been days where I wanted to reach out to them and try to reconnect, but my fear of rejection holds me back from doing so. I would rather leave it in the past and have fond memories of the adventures we went on, and the laughs we shared. Each relationship ran its course, and I still have a special place in my heart for almost every single person I’ve encountered.
In life, all we can do is go forward; holding onto the past and trying to recreate it only ends up hurting. If you’re supposed to reconnect with those from another time, it will happen, just don’t force it.
I have depression, anxiety and a cocktail of assorted other mental problems. I’ve spoken about my struggles, as well as my progress with them in previous posts. This week has just been a comedy of errors.
I have been going to therapy for probably 2.5 years, and I didn’t take much away from it, but I had someone to talk to, which helped a ton. Through talking to someone who wasn’t directly involved, I gained footing on my life and was able to work through a lot of my issues.
On Monday, I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist because my previous one retired. I wasn’t to thrilled about opening up to someone new, but I was willing to give it a shot. Due to miscommunication about insurance, I had to cancel my appointment only a couple of hours beforehand because he called me and told me he didn’t take my insurance.
Throughout my life, I have been made to feel guilty for things that either weren’t my fault or that I had no control over. Now, I sit here, feeling a combination of guilt and like I was given up on (even though that’s not the case). I can’t help but to feel hurt by this, and it actually pisses me off that I’m upset about this.
Today, I get to spend it playing phone tag with various clinics and offices in an attempt to find a new therapist or psychiatrist. Here’s hoping I will be able to get somewhere on my journey.
After a long internal battle of taking a blame for what happened and trying to convince myself that I had no control over the situation, I realized that I needed to just cut my losses and move on because there’s truly nothing I can do.
Right now, I just feel blank. I’m not happy or sad, I’m just here. I’m just hoping that I will be in a better mood come sunrise.
Yesterday, I was hurt. I took some time to think about it, and I tried to push the feelings away, but I can’t. Someone that I thought was a friend, someone who I could trust, turned out to be just another asshole.
Me and my friends are assholes, it’s why we get along so well. We completely tear each other down, but with love. We know when we’ve reached a line and we don’t cross it. This person, however, went pretty far over the line and just thinking about some of the things they said makes me have to force back tears.
I constantly battle between being cold and strong, and being sensitive and crying it out. As I sit here writing this, I feel empty but still want to break down into my pillow with all the lights out. To receive such judgement from someone I thought would understand set me back, and now I have to push forward again.
Their behavior started out as self-destructive, then morphed into being just destructive. There was no way to disarm them, because any attempt would only fuel the fire.
Until I’m stronger and can truly face the situation with very little emotion, I can’t have people like that in my life.
The Change 