Tag: feelings

It Needs to be Said

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I was having a good week until my thoughts crept back. Unfortunately, these thoughts actually made me realize a lot. I’m hurt and sad and tired, and I don’t even know where to begin.

I came to terms with the fact along time ago that you can’t please everyone, and not everyone will like you. I also understand that not everyone will care as much as I do, but that doesn’t stop me from caring… well, for the most part. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it makes my social life a bit hectic.

For a couple of weeks, I started to pay attention to who I spoke to on a regular basis and how the conversations went, and I figured out a lot. I then thought back to a ton of other conversations I’ve had with people I held close to me, and I found out what a lot of those interactions, old and new, have in common: I would be the one to initiate the conversation a majority of the time. This doesn’t go for everyone I speak with, but the ones that this happens with… fuck.

I then started trying to make excuses for it, my go-to coping mechanism for things like this, but then I stopped. I can’t keep making excuses and trying with people who don’t want to try with me. I have spent too much time crying and blaming myself and feeling like all I would ever be is the backup friend or the last resort.

Right now, my mental state isn’t exactly stable right now, but I keep pushing forward because I want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m enough, and that’s where I’m stuck.

For those of you who do make the small effort of just reaching out to say hello, know that your gesture is beyond appreciated and something that I hold close. Even if we just talk about bullshit or send pictures back and forth, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I know I’m not the best at keeping up with people, but I try.

I can’t keep letting people hurt me and not say anything, because it has gotten to a point that all I want is a hug, but I don’t want anyone near me because I’m so tired of being left behind.

I love you all. Please reach out to those you care about because they might not know anyone cares, and that message could change their entire perspective.

Confused and Lost

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So, social distancing is a thing and has been for a little bit. I’ve honestly found the time alone quite nice. I’m an introvert with a small social battery and few spoons to spare and, because of this, I’ve spent a lot of time creating, destroying, building myself up only to tear myself down, and just trying to make a plan for the rest of my life. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and laughing, and daydreaming at 2 AM.

I’ve also been trying to stay connected with those around me, which I’m terrible at. I’ll either send 3-4 messages in a row, or I won’t respond for days/weeks at a time. My depression and mania are at the point where I laugh through my tears as I try desperately to fall asleep at a “normal” hour. I honestly don’t even notice how much time has passed between when I wake up to when I finally fall asleep.

I still socialize to an extent… I get in calls with a few people, and it’s nice, but I got into my head recently about past experiences and now I’m finding it hard to trust people. I hate that I feel this way, and I’m trying to not feel this way. I’ve stepped away from a lot of bad situations since last year, I just wish I could get over this bump so I can just enjoy something.

I feel like there’s no one in my corner and the feeling grows stronger with each day that comes and goes. I know I have a handful that genuinely care about my well-being, as I care for theirs, I’m just struggling right now and I don’t know how to begin to fix it.

I’m trying to stay focused on my subpar podcast and eventually streaming, but I’m dragging my feet and second guessing myself too much.

I just feel lost and I want to find my way back.

An Open Book

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Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been up since 8 PM yesterday, worked from 11 PM-7 AM, and I’m beyond exhausted, but I feel like pulling back the sheer curtain for a moment. I came to the conclusion a little bit ago that everyone is going to have some twisted, semi-true shit to say about you so you might as well get your truth out there first. I’m tired of censoring myself out of fear that the kids on the playground will tease me and not want to be friends. Fuck that. I’m 24 and, at this point, I am so sick of worrying about everything I do and say, and reeling about what I hold back.

So, let’s start with a bit about me. I am your somewhat typical mid-20s chick who binges whatever Netflix and YouTube throws at me, takes notes on literally everything in school, puts a lot of effort into my work even though I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I’m a sexual deviant who cornered the market in sex toys, because being a girl doesn’t make dating easier. As much as I would love to be thrown around like a rag doll the minute the wind picks up, I also have a working list of standards. I have a really twisted/dark/warped sense of humor, with the super power to make any situation awkward and uncomfortable. I have 7 tattoos, 3 cats, and can make a wicked rum and coke. I talk to myself because the only real socializing I have outside of work, video games and my wonderful mother is with Spotify. I’ve been called everything under the sun and more. I think my favorite thing I’ve been called is a cross between a brat and a bitch, because that just gives me the opportunity to really prove them wrong — they haven’t seen anything yet. The runner up would be when I’m called a whore. My definition of a whore is someone who is relaxed and has fun, and anyone that uses that in a derogatory way is really saying, “My batteries died and the TV remote uses AAA and not AA.” I honestly feel bad for those people.

Sorry for the chunk above… not for the content, but because it doesn’t really flow. I could have written it better, broken it up into a few paragraphs instead of leaving that blob of ramblings that make up who I am. I’m a sexual, tired, bitchy, slightly insane girl who’s making her way through life, and for once, I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I have too many suicide attempts to even try and count them at this point, but I’m still here. So instead of trying to be something I’m not due to the delusion that being myself is the problem, I’m just going to be me. I fought who I was for so fucking long and I’m over it.

From now on, I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind and just live my life the way I want to. I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt people, offend anyone, or to cause damage, but I’m not holding back anymore.