Tag: depression

Trying to be Okay

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In more recent years, I’ve settled into the stresses of being a young adult and realizing that things don’t get easier or harder, rather they change and challenge you every step of the way. I think about how much I’ve changed over the past few years, but also how eerily similar everything has been.

When I was younger, I jumped around from one dream profession to another; when I was 5, I wanted to be a vampire slayer (unfortunately, they don’t do very well in this economy). Everything from marine biology to wedding planning interested me. I’ve taken courses in interior design, business management, software development, web design, and I even tried starting my own business. I still have this need to learn and do everything, which is great and terrible. I have all the time in the world but still run out of it by the end of the day.

Throughout all of my changes in life, there have been constants… my parents, I’m a pain in the ass, traveling, and my teddy bear. Now, over the past 22 years, I have accumulated a toy store’s worth of stuffed animals of all different sizes and colors, and I love them all. My bear, the one pictured above, is very special to me. He was given to me by my great-aunt when I was born and has been by my side through everything. I can only remember a handful of times where I didn’t have him with me, except in school and at work. His right arm has fallen off about 7 times, and my mom always sewed it back on. He doesn’t have a name, but I can’t imagine him with one at this point.

I know, a 22 year-old with a stuffed animal friend. It’s more than that, though. I found comfort in him being there. I was and still am capable of finding joy in something, and if I have to sleep with a teddy bear for the rest of my life to feel somewhat okay then I will.

I’m not ashamed of being happy or feeling comfort. I’m not going to let others control how I feel about things, or allow them to make me feel bad about myself. As long as I have my bear, I can try to be okay.

A Day Off

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Today, I will not be doing my nails or makeup, or doing work of any kind. I won’t be taking pictures, or planning out my days for the next 6 months. Today, I need to step back and take a day to do absolutely nothing. Before going any further, I would like to say that there is happiness in this post, just bear with me.

In previous posts, I have mentioned my depression and anxiety. I would like to delve a bit further into them in this post. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 13 years, and the mood swing and anger issues that tag along with those.

I find that when I read about depression or anxiety, it’s very textbook and there is barely any emotion behind it. I would like to shed some light on my experiences. Depression and anxiety are, to put it simply, wicked bitches. They’re the girls in high school that get you in trouble, or a long night drinking followed by a day-long hangover and a missing wallet.

My depression comes in waves, whereas my anxiety is always lurking. I have learned to use my anxiety as a way to become more cautious, and to observe everything around me. Depression, on the other hand, I can’t control. Ignoring it just represses it, and accepting it pushes me further down the hole. So how do I deal with this?

Well, I fill my day with the most pointless and meaningful tasks. Keeping busy allows me to work through my depression subconsciously. Not only do I get things done, I start to feel better. I know I said that I won’t be doing a single thing today, but it’s the nothing that I do that will make me feel better. Watching hours of videos and playing phone games and just spacing out.

As sad as I am right now, I know that I am strong enough to get through it, like I always do. So, I’m going to plop myself down with a bag of chips and phone and just be. I know there are plenty of people out there who are going through the same thing, and I hope you all know that it’s okay to just do nothing. There are always more days ahead, and one day won’t be the end of the world. You are your own best friend and enemy. Take the day to learn about yourself, take yourself on a date, talk to yourself and, most importantly, try to be good to yourself.

I know this was a long post, but I feel like it needed to be written. If anyone that sees this needs someone to talk to, please use the contact form or comment. I always have my blog and email open, and will respond as soon as I get anything. You are not alone and I really hate when people tell me this, but it can get better (trust me, I want to punch myself in the face for saying that).

Taking a Break

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Today started off really well for me actually, minus the one or two petty things. I got a few more hours before I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I screamed and cried until I couldn’t.

Between getting dragged into other’s bullshit and trying to battle my depression, I am weakened and I don’t want to do anything. I know I will get up tomorrow and keep going, but I’m getting off my personal social media accounts for a while. This weekend will be spent working on this and data entry (that’s what I do for work).

A few people in my life don’t understand why I’m always so stressed. I mean, I work, go to school and even socialize all from my room. I should actually have very limited stress, but I don’t. I might get to stay in sweats all day, but I pay for comfort by being a listening ear. I am an emotional dumpster for everyone. I vent a lot, but I can’t do it anymore.

For a while, I believed that a lot of my problems would be eliminated if I removed everyone from my life. I have dealt with so much, and I keep going, but I think I repressed many of my emotions along the way in an attempt to keep myself from completely losing myself. I would like to get those back.

I wish I had a happier post for Friday. I do have an idea of my schedule for Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Fridays will have one post and eventually Instagram/Twitter posts. Weekends will have no posts but be used as planning days for the upcoming week. I want to organize my site a little better, and start designing my logo.

The reason my day started off well was because I am up to 6 followers on this blog. I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has spent time looking at my blog, liking my content and following. It amazes me how many people this blog has reached, and I am extremely proud of myself for sticking with this.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see all of you back here Monday morning!

A Simpler Time

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I spent the day thinking and realized that I need to be happy, no matter what it takes. Above is a picture of me and my great-grandmother from around 1996. I obviously don’t remember this photo being taken, but I remember her fondly.

In that photo I am smiling. I didn’t have a reason not to smile. I had no problems then; everything was simple. Now, it goes without saying, I was a pain-in-the-ass kid. I know I was because I still am! The only things that have changed are my height, and my views on the world around me.

If I can somehow get back to the mindset that everything is amazing, I would be better off. So, that’s an additional goal for me: to enjoy everything as much as I can! Whether it’s dance parties in my room, or spending hours on Skype with my extended family, I will start having fun and going with the flow.

I came to the conclusion that I can’t control everything that happens, but I can control myself. If I have to schedule time to have fun or force myself to do so, then I will. I’m not going to let my mind take over anymore, I’m the boss now and it’s about time I start acting like it!

There will be more makeup, more pictures, more everything! 2018 is the year I get shit done and move forward with my life!

Getting Personal

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For the past few days, I will get up early, stay up for a while and then pass out until the late afternoon. Not the greatest thing for trying to maintain a schedule. At first I thought I was getting sick, or I’m just extremely tired because it’s getting dark out earlier. Both of these things could be working together to make me tired, but I finally figured out what it is. Depression.

I have been dealing with depression and other mental problems since I was 10 years old. The list includes:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • ADD/ADHD

These three things are very common and, from my understanding, each one can cause the other. Unfortunately, I don’t know which one is the ring leader. I have been in therapy for a couple of years, and on waiting lists for a couple of psychiatrists for months now.

I have tried everything from meditation to hemp oil, as well as a cocktail of medication. Nothing except for my anti-anxiety pills have worked. I have chemical and trauma-based depression, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and combined ADD/ADHD. All of my problems are very common, and many people have told me it’s because I’m young. I hope they’re right but I doubt they are. I think as I get older, I will have a better grasp on coping mechanisms, which in turn will help me avoid sleeping all day and feeling alone.

I have been told I chose to be this way, and that I can stop whenever I want to. I wish I could stop. I wish I could flip a switch and all my thoughts would be happy, and that I wouldn’t feel like a failure. All these things take time to get better, but I still don’t believe that I have all of this because I’m young.

This isn’t my first project, but I feel like I can open up and get somewhere in my life with this one. The fact that I sat down and did a full face of makeup the other day was a huge accomplishment. I have held myself responsible for this blog, and I won’t let it die. I have put a lot of time into it, and I don’t want to add another project to my incomplete list.

I’m forcing myself now to snap out of this mindset by keeping busy, and it’s the best I can do right now. I know once I have a full schedule, I won’t have time to sleep all day. I want to be happy and enjoy the small things.