This weekend, something very special happened. I got to celebrate a year of friendship with my two best friends in the world. We knew each other for a bit longer than a year, but we didn’t make it Facebook official until a year ago.
Like any other call, we spent it playing games and telling bad jokes. It was a perfect night with perfect people. I am truly happy I have these two in my life, and I hope that never changes.
Happy Monday everyone!
You don’t know this yet, but I love you. From the way that you smile when you get nervous, to the endless dreams we share with each other. It warms my heart to just be in your presence. Your eyes give me hope, and your voice eases me.
You don’t know this yet, but I am head over heels for the future – our future. All the small things we will get to do together, and the countless adventures we will go on. I am so nervous about it, but having you by my side gives me the ability to stand tall.
You don’t know this, but I always have and will fight for you. No battle is too great as long as I have you. No matter what happens, I will do my best to protect you.
You don’t know this yet, but you are me, and I am you.
I have depression, anxiety and a cocktail of assorted other mental problems. I’ve spoken about my struggles, as well as my progress with them in previous posts. This week has just been a comedy of errors.
I have been going to therapy for probably 2.5 years, and I didn’t take much away from it, but I had someone to talk to, which helped a ton. Through talking to someone who wasn’t directly involved, I gained footing on my life and was able to work through a lot of my issues.
On Monday, I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist because my previous one retired. I wasn’t to thrilled about opening up to someone new, but I was willing to give it a shot. Due to miscommunication about insurance, I had to cancel my appointment only a couple of hours beforehand because he called me and told me he didn’t take my insurance.
Throughout my life, I have been made to feel guilty for things that either weren’t my fault or that I had no control over. Now, I sit here, feeling a combination of guilt and like I was given up on (even though that’s not the case). I can’t help but to feel hurt by this, and it actually pisses me off that I’m upset about this.
Today, I get to spend it playing phone tag with various clinics and offices in an attempt to find a new therapist or psychiatrist. Here’s hoping I will be able to get somewhere on my journey.
After a long internal battle of taking a blame for what happened and trying to convince myself that I had no control over the situation, I realized that I needed to just cut my losses and move on because there’s truly nothing I can do.
Right now, I just feel blank. I’m not happy or sad, I’m just here. I’m just hoping that I will be in a better mood come sunrise.
Yesterday, I was hurt. I took some time to think about it, and I tried to push the feelings away, but I can’t. Someone that I thought was a friend, someone who I could trust, turned out to be just another asshole.
Me and my friends are assholes, it’s why we get along so well. We completely tear each other down, but with love. We know when we’ve reached a line and we don’t cross it. This person, however, went pretty far over the line and just thinking about some of the things they said makes me have to force back tears.
I constantly battle between being cold and strong, and being sensitive and crying it out. As I sit here writing this, I feel empty but still want to break down into my pillow with all the lights out. To receive such judgement from someone I thought would understand set me back, and now I have to push forward again.
Their behavior started out as self-destructive, then morphed into being just destructive. There was no way to disarm them, because any attempt would only fuel the fire.
Until I’m stronger and can truly face the situation with very little emotion, I can’t have people like that in my life.
I have had an eventful morning, filled with drinking and good people! I had a half n’ half day yesterday, but being around friends and enjoying a few drinks really cheered me up.
I don’t have much else planned for the day except for work, school and maybe a nap.
I was woken up from my nap at 3:40 PM to get some not-so-good news. Once again, the person who was going to be my new therapist cancelled on me only a few hours before the appointment because he just now realized that he didn’t take my insurance. I would have been able to accept this news a bit easier if my first appointment wasn’t pushed back a month and if he sounded even a bit sympathetic.
When I get stressed or upset about something I can’t control, I turn to music. So I turned on my computer and started jumping from song to song. As I was having my own solo dance party, I decided to check my blog and I saw something that I didn’t think I would see for a very long time… I reached 50 followers!
I have been doing this since December 31, and I am still amazed at how many people have enjoyed my content and have taken the time to follow me. Thank you all so much for giving me the drive to keep going and to have confidence in myself. It truly means the world to me.
This morning, I decided to go back to my first Facebook status. What a mistake that was! It was 2009 and I was 13 years old. I had nothing but a bright future and my ability to make any situation awkward. Throughout the years, I have only perfected the art of being socially awkward.
Every situation I encounter is met with me listing of random facts, asking rhetorical questions and pretty much making a fool out of myself. The good thing is that I’m also able to laugh at myself, which makes a lot of my social interactions move a lot smoother.
I truly used to hate how uncomfortable I used to make everything, but now I embrace it. I’m weird, and so is everyone else. I enjoy that I’m slightly off, and occasionally in rare form. I love telling stupid jokes that get pity laugh and half-assed smiles. Almost every good memory I have includes me doing something quirky or obscure.
I’m finally starting to accept myself, bit by bit.
Last night, I was thinking about the past couple years and the people who came and went. I started thinking about two people specifically, who literally are two of the greatest people I know. These two go by the names Jordi and Alex.
These two boys are the most outrageous people I know, and I love them to bits. From terrible jokes that don’t make any sense to endless conversations about anything and everything, I don’t know where I would be without them. They’re my best friends and, more importantly, my family.
A majority of our time together is spent playing games, watching videos, laughing about the most random and irrelevant things, sleeping (I have a habit of falling asleep at my computer) and just being there for each other. I am not a people person, but these beautiful guys broke my shell and now I actually enjoy socializing.
I’m not the easiest person to get along with, not by a long shot, but they stuck by me through pretty much everything and I can’t thank them enough for the joy, comfort and support that they have given me.
So guys, time to get sappy. Jordi, Alex… we’re a bunch of assholes and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love you guys and here’s to many more years of bad jokes and great drinks!
In our day-to-day lives, we are presented with endless situations that we need to face. What do we do, though, when it’s a situation that affects us but we’re not directly involved? Do we let it go, or do we try to make sense of it in our minds? What questions can we ask, and how much do we actually want to know?
I find that it’s best to be honest and direct. I also find that it’s bad to let it build up and then have it spill over. It can be hard to confront someone, but I find it helps to count to three and then just say it.
With that being said, I am still extremely happy and love where I’m at.
The Change 