Tag: confidence

Growing Stronger

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Today, I wrote about two people who mean the world to me and how they kept me growing. What I didn’t mention is the strength they gave me and how much they helped me realize how strong I truly am.

I never thought of myself as strong, rather as someone who needed to be tough. What I’ve learned, though, is that being strong doesn’t mean standing alone and taking on the world by yourself. Everyone needs someone, whether it be for a laugh or a hug. We learn how to deal with what’s thrown at us from watching and interacting with others.

These two wonderful people, as well as others in my life, have helped me reach the conclusion that I am strong, I have potential and that I can make it in this world. Best of all, I never have to walk alone.

Fate

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Sometimes when I sit down to write, I feel like Carrie from Sex and the City. I type and erase, think about Big for 6 seasons and dream about that beautiful walk-in closet. I don’t need some glamorous closet, or brunch with the girls. I just need Big.

Since life isn’t a TV show, though there have been some pretty unbelievable things happen in my life, there isn’t a script. We write our own story, cut away to memories with friends and family, and create our own laugh track.

As I sit here writing, I’m also fixing my path. I figured I was going to be one of those women who did it all on her own, but that’s all changed. I have some really great people in my life, and I can’t do it without them. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, and I’m happy I stuck it out.

Life has a funny way of butting in, and now everything that has happened – every step and experience – makes sense.

Getting Ready

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This week definitely had its ups and downs, but I feel good. I feel like I can take on anything, and it feels pretty great.

This weekend, I will be working, doing school work, and applying for a second job. If I want to be able to do the things I want and need to do, I need to do things I don’t really want to do. I remember when I was younger I didn’t want to be an adult, I just wanted to be old enough to have a bit of freedom. What I’ve learned is that freedom costs a pretty penny.

I know I’m going to have less free time, but maybe I will get to enjoy my down time a bit more if I have less of it. I know it won’t be easy, nothing is, but I have an amazing support team that drives me to better myself.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

An Explanation

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In life, we give and are given many explanations to either clarify certain things or to defend our actions or opinions. It almost as if we’re on autopilot and just explain away everything we do. Is it always necessary?

Well, yes and no. It’s common courtesy to explain our actions if we hurt or upset anyone, or to iron out any details about a subject the recipient of the speech doesn’t understand. I don’t think it’s right to have to explain your reasoning if you’re trying to protect yourself or others.

Recently, I was put in this situation (to clarify, this isn’t about my breakup). It wasn’t the first time I was questioned for my actions, and I know it won’t be the last. Sometimes, personalities don’t mesh right and can lead to a toxic engagement between the two. I felt like I needed to step away and I was bombarded with questions and statements in front of others, which made me feel pressured to explain myself. In my mind, this isn’t okay.

I have been giving these explanations for my entire life, just to soften the blow instead of just saying, “Because I wanted/needed to.” I struggle with confrontation, as many people do, but for some reason this pushed me over the edge. I don’t know why this situation in particular stood out to me, but it did. I want to be able to get to a point where I feel comfortable and not criticized or attacked for what I do for myself. I know I can’t make everyone happy and like me, but I can make myself happy and like me, which is what I’m trying to do.

The homework for the week is to do something for yourself, even if it’s something small. For an hour, or even 30 minutes, do something for you. You are going to be stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, so make the relationship as smooth as possible.

Like Riding a Bike

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When I sat down to do my school work today, I thought I was going to have to review my notes for hours. Instead, I picked up where I left off and pushed on! I didn’t do much coding, but I did a lot of reading and took notes on pretty much everything!

When I took my student orientation, the speaker said that we wouldn’t need to take excessive notes. He said that because coding has such a great and welcoming community, that we will always be able to ask for help or find answers on the internet. I, however, didn’t listen and now I take not only title and number every single page in my binder, but take notes on everything, as well.

I can’t retain information unless I say it out loud and write it down. If the lesson I’m working on has a 5-minute video, it will take me around 30 minutes to take notes on it. I write down all the sample codes and shortcuts and make footnotes to help me remember. I’m even talking out loud as I type this. If I didn’t do any of this, my mind would be blank.

I have found that since I started coding and creating again, that my cognitive and analytical skills have become stronger, as well as I have been able to feel a sense of accomplishment with each lesson I complete. Coding essentially gave me a second chance and I’m truly happy.

Tomorrow, I will probably write about my educational journey thus far. It’s truly an interesting story, and I would love to tell it!

Shifting Gears

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This week and next, I’m going to be strictly focusing on work and school. I want to get a lot done and I woke up today feeling driven to do so.

For work, I do data entry for two co-op buildings. I enter everything from maintenance requests to information about the units. It’s not the most exciting job, but I can literally work whenever I want.

For school, my main course is web development, while dabbling in software design, light IT, graphic design, and app development. I have taken on a ton of courses since September, but what better time to do all this than when I have all the time in the world? I enjoy coding; it’s like I’m constantly solving puzzles, and I love puzzles. At the rate I’m going, I’m going to be a forever student and I’m completely fine with this.

Between this blog, school, work and my social life, my time is spent mostly on the computer and it works for me. I enjoy immersing myself in technology, so I made it so I love everything I do.

I hope everyone has a beautiful Monday!

Moving On

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I think I’ve spent enough thinking about how to write this post and I’m ready to open up. Recently, between the 11th and the 17th, I went through a break and eventually a breakup. I spent that week putting everything into perspective and trying to see if I could get past what happened. Obviously, I wasn’t able to. I’m okay now. I no longer hold the anger of an ex, but the rage of someone who can’t stand lies.

To keep things short, there was a trip and a lot of things were kept from me. It goes a lot deeper than that, but I’m not in the mood to go into detail. Now, I know being evasive isn’t technically lying, but not telling the truth is lying. Unfortunately, I needed to suggest a break to get the truth, but at that point, it was too late.

During the breakup, I did my best to stay civil, and I did my best to not place too much blame. I even apologized. Not only did I not get an apology, I didn’t get any closure from him. I’ve had a lot of people  in my life leave with loose ends but, in that moment, I realized that I wasted almost 2 years of my life on someone who I thought I knew.

Like I said, I am completely fine and have moved past it. The fact that I didn’t even get the courtesy of an apology in the end, after all the lies and bullshit, makes my blood boil. Realizing that I had just been in the same situation again makes me mad at myself.

Over the past two weeks, though, I realized that I deserve to be happy, and I did just that. Through everything that happened, I still managed to smile and laugh and enjoy my time.

I walked away a better person, and I’m going to continue to grow and feel better about myself.

You know, I am sorry, though. I’m sorry to myself.

A Good Night

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Happy Margarita Day everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful night, I know I did! Tonight I let my guard down and had fun with my mom! We had drinks, blasted music and had a ton of laughs.

Before I started drinking, I worked on my secret journal and got some school work done. I also did a lot of thinking today about my life and I know exactly what I need and want to do.

Today, overall, was a bit uneventful but sometimes boring is good. I am happy and calm, which I deserve to be.

I hope everyone had a great day, margaritas or not! Until tomorrow, have a goodnight!

As the Hours Pass

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I have spent many hours on the little black book. I didn’t even realize what time it is until I realized my playlist started over… twice! I can’t wait to be done setting up this journal so I can finally use it.

Yesterday, I managed to get all of the dye off my face, but my hands are still a nice shade of blue. I ended up leaving the house, though, to get dinner with my mom! We had a great time and we ended up stopping at the little convenience store before heading home. There, a very kind woman complimented my hair and we spent about 5 minutes talking about hair dye!

I’m so happy I have found the energy to keep going. I’m even happier that I’m enjoying music again, and singing until my vocal cords are sore. I still have a long way to go, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was definitely worth the wait!

The Secret

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Most girls have little, black dresses…. I have a little, black notebook. I have a plethora of notebooks, but this one is special; this one will hold secrets that cannot be revealed as of yet.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster, some bad and a lot of good. I am getting back on track with my life, and everything seems bright again. My entire perspective has changed; it scares me, but in the best way possible. The past few weeks have given me hope for my future, and it’s truly amazing.

I wish I could shout from the roof tops about how I’m feeling, but that would generate noise complaints, and it’s being kept under wraps for now… which is where the notebook comes into play! I will be writing everything down and keeping track of it all so when everything has settled down, I can write about it here.

At this point, only a few people know what’s going on in my life, which I really like. I feel like a spy on a top-secret mission. I’m so excited for this mission, just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

Every girl has her secrets, it keeps the mystery alive!