Tag: moving forward

Slow and Steady

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I learned something today… NEVER DO A FULL BODY WORKOUT AT 10 PM. I am happy I forced myself to do it, but I’m definitely going to need it to be a day thing. So the new order is: bathroom stuff, work, exercise, shower, school.

Outside of exercising and doing things other humans do, I left the house and had lunch. I am an attic dweller who forgets to eat, so leaving the house to have food is kind of new territory for me.

Since I got up late today, I lacked a bit of motivation, so I only got a couple of things done on my to-do list. I’m still proud of myself for getting some things done today! I didn’t check off shower, but I did wash off.

For the most part, I’m happy with how today went. There were some problems here and there, but it was overall good. I know I will be sore in the morning, so hopefully getting some rest will prevent a bit of the pain.

A Step in the Right Direction

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On January 29, 2018, Paige put a white board on her wall! Not just any white board… a white board with her new routine on it! I probably woke up an hour ago, but my sleep schedule will eventually get better as I follow this routine. I’m not too worried about getting my sleep on track just yet, I just want to have a set of tasks for each day.

On Saturday, I got to see my second cousin, second cousin-in-law, and I finally got to meet my adorable third cousins! It was really fun and I can’t wait to see them again. Sunday, unfortunately, my depression and anxiety went into high gear and I slept all day. I am still a bit shaky and out of it right now, but I’m going to try to work through it.

Back to the board… I have listed everything that I need to do, and things I need to remember to do throughout the day and the week. I will try to set up a habit tracker today, but that’s not exactly at the top of my list.

After I get back from lunch, I will be settling down and getting to work. Since I woke up late, I don’t think I will be able to do a decent amount of work and get 16 lessons done in school, but I will try!

Even though my nerves are shot and my mind is in a million different places, I’m proud of myself. Just putting the board up on my wall is an achievement for me, and I need to remember that every little thing I get done is good.

The Final Draft

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I had a productive day… in the sense that it wasn’t very productive at all! I walked around the house and thought about everything I need to do during the day, while I also neglect most of those things.

I start a bunch of projects, and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing. From there, I get anxiety because nothing is getting done, and I get depressed; it’s a fucked up domino effect that needs to change. I feel like I’m lost in a sea of to-do’s and I’m either going to sink or swim… so I’ll try swimming!

When I started Rooplixoo, it was for the sole purpose of getting through all my makeup. Now, it’s taken on a mind of its own because I keep adding new goals. New goals are never a problem, except when they start to stack up and you end up watching 10 hours of videos and reach the end of the day feeling empty. I’m putting my foot down, because what I’m doing isn’t working anymore.

When I was younger, my mom created this beautiful board titled “The Eye Chart”. I am legally blind in my left eye, so when I was younger, the doctors told my parents that I had to wear these stick on eye patches and do exercises to strengthen the vision in my left eye. Now, not much has changed in the sense that I am a stubborn, pain-in-the-ass that marches to a different beat, but I do enjoy rewards and prizes. My mom created this chart and at the end of each week, I would get a prize. I think I got through about 2 weeks before it was retired, but I still continued to fill in all the days with stickers!

I will probably be up all night because I took a nap today, so tonight I will be putting my board together and working. Up above is a draft of what will go on the board. I have started so many things, that I need to remind myself to brush my teeth! I’m not proud of that, but the first step is admitting there’s a problem! I feel if I can get myself on a schedule and stick to it, I will either start to feel better or be so distracted that I won’t have time to feel bad.

I know it’s impossible to plan out every single day and have a perfect routine, but if I nail it at least 4 days out of the week, I’ll be beyond proud of myself. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. If I have to basically recreate The Eye Chart and reward myself for being a functional human being to get on track, then so be it!

Here’s to yet another new beginning!

What to Do

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Today, I will not be doing makeup because my face needs a break from the makeup I used at my dad’s. I don’t know what caused the allergic reaction, but my eyelids are still really dry and itchy. Instead, I will be getting everything finished!

I have way too many loose ends because I like to start 80 things at once, so today I will be knocking out a lot of it! When I woke up today, I had this huge burst of energy and I want to do everything! My plate will be filled with a bullet journal, a daily routine board, work, school and a logo design! I haven’t figured out the order I will do everything in just yet, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough! I have also been neglecting my Instagram, so I need to start keeping up with that, too!

Today is the day that I get my life back on track and try to feel better about waking up every morning. I’m taking back control (again) and I don’t plan on letting go!

Trying to be Okay

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In more recent years, I’ve settled into the stresses of being a young adult and realizing that things don’t get easier or harder, rather they change and challenge you every step of the way. I think about how much I’ve changed over the past few years, but also how eerily similar everything has been.

When I was younger, I jumped around from one dream profession to another; when I was 5, I wanted to be a vampire slayer (unfortunately, they don’t do very well in this economy). Everything from marine biology to wedding planning interested me. I’ve taken courses in interior design, business management, software development, web design, and I even tried starting my own business. I still have this need to learn and do everything, which is great and terrible. I have all the time in the world but still run out of it by the end of the day.

Throughout all of my changes in life, there have been constants… my parents, I’m a pain in the ass, traveling, and my teddy bear. Now, over the past 22 years, I have accumulated a toy store’s worth of stuffed animals of all different sizes and colors, and I love them all. My bear, the one pictured above, is very special to me. He was given to me by my great-aunt when I was born and has been by my side through everything. I can only remember a handful of times where I didn’t have him with me, except in school and at work. His right arm has fallen off about 7 times, and my mom always sewed it back on. He doesn’t have a name, but I can’t imagine him with one at this point.

I know, a 22 year-old with a stuffed animal friend. It’s more than that, though. I found comfort in him being there. I was and still am capable of finding joy in something, and if I have to sleep with a teddy bear for the rest of my life to feel somewhat okay then I will.

I’m not ashamed of being happy or feeling comfort. I’m not going to let others control how I feel about things, or allow them to make me feel bad about myself. As long as I have my bear, I can try to be okay.