Tag: moving forward

A Rose by any Other Name

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This morning I was going through my photos and reliving a lot of memories – some good, some bad. While going through all of these pictures, I got to see how much I’ve grown over the past few years… and how many times I changed my hair color.

I ended up seeing pictures from a lot of the darker days I had, followed by my brighter ones. Having the years laid out that way showed me that I have gotten through so much already and that I will continue to.

I’m not as fragile as I think I am, nor am I weak for having the feelings that I have. I need to start giving myself more credit and, once I do, I will be able to wake up every morning and know that everything will be okay.

How Romantic

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My morning was very relaxing and lighthearted, filled with videos and music. As the day moved into the afternoon, I was surprised with a beautiful candlelit lunch containing the healthiest of foods, because I deserve it. Am I the only one that craves fast food when they’re sick?

After I ate my meal fit for a queen, I did the only sensible thing: I watched Friends and took a nap on the couch with my kitties. By the time I woke up, my mom got home and I wish I could say I spent time with her, but I was so tired that I fell back asleep. She wanted me to go lie down in my room because it’s not good for me to sleep on the couch (I have back problems). Did I listen? Nope, why would I? Why would I listen to something that makes complete sense? No matter how old I get, she will always be my mom and I will always be stubborn. I love you, mama, and I’m sorry that I’m always a pain in the ass!

As the day comes to an end, I realized that I actually had a good Valentine’s Day. I never thought I would say this, but I actually don’t hate this day as much as I thought I did. I learned that not every holiday has to be this big event, it just needs to be fun. With that being said, I will never give up my big Italian Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine’s Day, no matter what you did.

The Day is Here

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Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! I hope everyone woke up to flowers and gifts… or your cats trying to smother you. I woke up to cats. My mom gave me a beautiful card, which truly made my day!

Today will probably be spent going around the house eating, and having a few drinks because I’m an adult. I will try to take this day at face value, but I’m kind of looking forward to tomorrow where all the candy will be on sale.

I hope I treat myself right today and get myself everything I want! I think I’ve earned it. Today is a day about love, so why not love myself?

Waiting for Tomorrow

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I truly can’t kick the nausea, but I did figure out what’s happening for Valentine’s Day. On top of wearing my pajamas all day, I will be watching videos, napping, working and eating… so the usual. I will enjoy my time and maybe I’ll fall in love with myself all over again!

As much as I dislike the idea of people having the one big date on the same day, there is something appealing about it. I mean, it doesn’t have to be some huge amazing night, it can be simple. The whole point is to spend time with each other, right?

I hope everyone sleeps well and wakes up on Valentine’s Day with a smile. No matter how you feel about the holiday, just try to love yourself as much as you can. Give yourself flowers and candy, make a nice dinner or even take yourself out. You deserve it!

Valentine’s Day Eve

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Well, it’s that time of year again. Love fills the air and everyone runs out to buy anything with a heart on it. I have never really been into Valentine’s Day, especially after I got to a grade in school where there were no in-class parties.

This year, I’m having a pajama day, party of one. I honestly don’t know what I will do outside of wearing pajamas, but I’m sure I’ll come up with a few things throughout the day. Maybe I’ll call a few friends, or play a game.

To anyone who celebrates Valentine’s Day, I hope you have an amazing day no matter how you plan on spending it. To those who don’t celebrate, however, have a pajama day with me! Maybe if enough people wear pajamas on Valentine’s Day, we can get it changed to Pajama Day.

I hope all of you have amazing plans for tomorrow, pajamas or otherwise!

Flu Season

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I was productive, and then I wasn’t. I took a short nap because I could barely keep my eyes open and I woke up extremely nauseous. It’s been like this for about 5 hours now. It’s almost like I’m motion sick and I need everything to stop spinning.

Even though I’m sick, something great happened. Two years ago, I was in a car accident that really messed me up (I will probably go into details in another post later on once everything settles down). Today, my case was settled and I couldn’t be happier. It has been a long road for me and my family, but it’s finally done with and we can move on.

I’ve looked back on the past couple years and I realized that life doesn’t get better or worse, it just changes. There are good parts and bad parts, but that’s just how life is. No matter what happens, it’s just a learning experience.

I hope I will start feeling better soon so I can keep pushing forward. I will get back into doing fun things and taking pictures so these posts don’t seem so empty!

Happy end of Monday everyone!

A Secret Project

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This weekend, I decided to start working on my secret plan. I had a lot happen and the only thing that will really help is a secret project. I am honestly feeling extremely lost, but I hope that this will get me through it all.

My weekend consisted of laughing, crying, sleeping and watching too many videos. It was probably one of the roughest weekends I’ve had in a while, but I survived and that’s what matters.

I honestly don’t know what I will be doing outside of this mystery project, but everything will be okay. I hope by the end of the day, I will know everything I need to do and how to handle the things I don’t want to do.

Rewind and Unwind

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Sometimes, it’s good to go back to a simpler time. For me, that meant making a  terrible blanket fort, cookies and watching YouTube videos. I have been very stressed lately, to the point that it was causing physical pain and I needed to try to contain it before it got out of hand.

At the end of the day, I am out of cookies and almost out of stress. I am amazed how much something so simple helped so much. I think from now on, every Friday will be Blanket Fort Day. If I can do something that alleviates some of my emotional pains, I will.

Overall, my Friday was very relaxing and I’m happy I made my shitty, one-blanket blanket fort. I cried a lot, but it was such a relief to let all of that pain out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to keep hiding how I feel, especially my anger and sadness.

I hope to get a lot of work done this weekend, as my to-do list just keeps growing and I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m going to get things in order and work through it all.

At the End of the Day

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At the end of the day, the sun sets and everyone gets settled in for the night. They night pray or send goodnight texts to their loved ones. I don’t. I say goodnight to my mother and I head up to my room where I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I watch videos or talk to people, but I mostly just stay in bed thinking.

Last night I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. As of late, I gave up on my plans and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing outside of working and this. I don’t know what I want anymore, and I feel lost. I’m trying to stay positive and think about the quiet snowfall I witnessed the other morning, but I’m torn inside about what to do.

Whether it’s my depression talking or this is how I truly feel, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay focused on what I need to do but I’m struggling more and more. It could be the weather and I’m not getting enough sunlight, or maybe it’s something I’ve yet to realize. All I know is that I need to figure it out and keep it from eating me alive before I know what it is.

Depression, in short, is a fickle bitch. I’m starting to fight back, but it’s a long battle ahead. I just need to focus on the end goal and that everything has to get better.

Perspective

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The other morning, I ended up going outside to take pictures of the snow for my friends. I haven’t enjoy the snow in years, mostly because I can’t stand the cold, but it was different. Everything was quiet, and there were no bunny prints on the ground. All I could hear was me. It was like I was completely alone.

There are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I normally enjoy it, but this was amazing. I finally saw just how beautiful being alone can be. I was standing outside in my pajamas and I didn’t feel cold. It was like it was my time to just be. I am alone a majority of the day, but I know there are people around. There was nothing, and it reminded me of why I became a night owl in the first place: I enjoy the silence.

Depression and anxiety make it very hard for me to enjoy things in my life, but in that moment I was there instead of millions miles away thinking about how I fucked up on that math test in 3rd grade or that random woman who glared at me in the mall back in high school. I was just watching snow fall at 5 AM, and it was all mine.

It was truly amazing, and I hope that everyone can experience that. I finally feel like I can control my thoughts. Will I always want to? No, but I have the option to and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wasn’t angry, sad, excited or happy, I was just there. I can’t stand getting up that early, but if I’m up, I might step outside and see if I can recreate what I felt.

I’m nowhere near being 100% okay, but I don’t think anyone is. All I know is that even when my battle is at its worse, I can just be. I am still extremely sad and feel an emptiness that is more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced, but at that moment I felt like I had something to cling onto.

I’m out of whack, and probably will be for a while, but this is the first time I can say that I will survive again.