Tag: feelings

Self-Destructive Personalities

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Yesterday, I was hurt. I took some time to think about it, and I tried to push the feelings away, but I can’t. Someone that I thought was a friend, someone who I could trust, turned out to be just another asshole.

Me and my friends are assholes, it’s why we get along so well. We completely tear each other down, but with love. We know when we’ve reached a line and we don’t cross it. This person, however, went pretty far over the line and just thinking about some of the things they said makes me have to force back tears.

I constantly battle between being cold and strong, and being sensitive and crying it out. As I sit here writing this, I feel empty but still want to break down into my pillow with all the lights out. To receive such judgement from someone I thought would understand set me back, and now I have to push forward again.

Their behavior started out as self-destructive, then morphed into being just destructive. There was no way to disarm them, because any attempt would only fuel the fire.

Until I’m stronger and can truly face the situation with very little emotion, I can’t have people like that in my life.

Making Things Weird

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This morning, I decided to go back to my first Facebook status. What a mistake that was! It was 2009 and I was 13 years old. I had nothing but a bright future and my ability to make any situation awkward. Throughout the years, I have only perfected the art of being socially awkward.

Every situation I encounter is met with me listing of random facts, asking rhetorical questions and pretty much making a fool out of myself. The good thing is that I’m also able to laugh at myself, which makes a lot of my social interactions move a lot smoother.

I truly used to hate how uncomfortable I used to make everything, but now I embrace it. I’m weird, and so is everyone else. I enjoy that I’m slightly off, and occasionally in rare form. I love telling stupid jokes that get pity laugh and half-assed smiles. Almost every good memory I have includes me doing something quirky or obscure.

I’m finally starting to accept myself, bit by bit.

Love

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When I was in 9th grade, my English teacher assigned the class to define love. Me being the edgy teenager that I was thought love was a waste of time, and wrote about how it was pretty much the stupidest thing.

Then I saw Friends: The One with the Prom Video….

lobster

I had seen the episode before, but for some reason, it spoke to me. Love wasn’t stupid or outrageous, it was just hard to find. I then realized that my definition wasn’t exactly right.

Love is one of those things that the definition is different from person to person. There is no right or wrong answer to the question “What is love?” Most of the time, it can’t even be described.

 

The Family We Make

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Last night, I was thinking about the past couple years and the people who came and went. I started thinking about two people specifically, who literally are two of the greatest people I know. These two go by the names Jordi and Alex.

These two boys are the most outrageous people I know, and I love them to bits. From terrible jokes that don’t make any sense to endless conversations about anything and everything, I don’t know where I would be without them. They’re my best friends and, more importantly, my family.

A majority of our time together is spent playing games, watching videos, laughing about the most random and irrelevant things, sleeping (I have a habit of falling asleep at my computer) and just being there for each other. I am not a people person, but these beautiful guys broke my shell and now I actually enjoy socializing.

I’m not the easiest person to get along with, not by a long shot, but they stuck by me through pretty much everything and I can’t thank them enough for the joy, comfort and support that they have given me.

So guys, time to get sappy. Jordi, Alex… we’re a bunch of assholes and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love you guys and here’s to many more years of bad jokes and great drinks!

 

Batter Up

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In our day-to-day lives, we are presented with endless situations that we need to face. What do we do, though, when it’s a situation that affects us but we’re not directly involved? Do we let it go, or do we try to make sense of it in our minds? What questions can we ask, and how much do we actually want to know?

I find that it’s best to be honest and direct. I also find that it’s bad to let it build up and then have it spill over. It can be hard to confront someone, but I find it helps to count to three and then just say it.

With that being said, I am still extremely happy and love where I’m at.

Take a Breath

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As my day comes to an end, I realize that it’s just the beginning. I spent the entire day smiling, which I haven’t done in a while. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel, and it’s so amazing and refreshing.

I thought for a long time that I was quickly reaching the end of my story, only to realize that it was just the end of a chapter. I feel better about everything, and I’m not as angry anymore. I’m happy I allowed myself a second chance, and I’m not letting it get away from me this time.

I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and knows how special they are. If you don’t have anyone to tell you that they love you tonight, then I will do it.

I love you, and I hope you have amazing dreams. You’re special and perfect, and only you can be you.

Goodnight!