I was having a good week until my thoughts crept back. Unfortunately, these thoughts actually made me realize a lot. I’m hurt and sad and tired, and I don’t even know where to begin.
I came to terms with the fact along time ago that you can’t please everyone, and not everyone will like you. I also understand that not everyone will care as much as I do, but that doesn’t stop me from caring… well, for the most part. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it makes my social life a bit hectic.
For a couple of weeks, I started to pay attention to who I spoke to on a regular basis and how the conversations went, and I figured out a lot. I then thought back to a ton of other conversations I’ve had with people I held close to me, and I found out what a lot of those interactions, old and new, have in common: I would be the one to initiate the conversation a majority of the time. This doesn’t go for everyone I speak with, but the ones that this happens with… fuck.
I then started trying to make excuses for it, my go-to coping mechanism for things like this, but then I stopped. I can’t keep making excuses and trying with people who don’t want to try with me. I have spent too much time crying and blaming myself and feeling like all I would ever be is the backup friend or the last resort.
Right now, my mental state isn’t exactly stable right now, but I keep pushing forward because I want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m enough, and that’s where I’m stuck.
For those of you who do make the small effort of just reaching out to say hello, know that your gesture is beyond appreciated and something that I hold close. Even if we just talk about bullshit or send pictures back and forth, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I know I’m not the best at keeping up with people, but I try.
I can’t keep letting people hurt me and not say anything, because it has gotten to a point that all I want is a hug, but I don’t want anyone near me because I’m so tired of being left behind.
I love you all. Please reach out to those you care about because they might not know anyone cares, and that message could change their entire perspective.